Come As You Are.

It's been weeks and weeks until I last blogged. I've tried so hard to type and articulate my thoughts into sentences, just to find myself pressing the backspace button and closing my laptop. 

This week is 24/7 prayer at my church, so I took an hour out of my hectic, 'what am I doing with my life?' moments to sit and give it to God. 

I went into my prayer session feeling overwhelmed, lost, exhausted (currently about to put on the performance of Importance of Being Earnest starting this weekend, so feeling the 'thespian strain') and as I fell to the cross with all my baggage and burdens, I heard God speak over me:

'Come as you are'

So I came as I am. Not with all the answers, or the right attitude, or even the right thought process, but I came to Jesus. And in this blog post today, without any attempt of humour or a heavily worded essay, I speak out total honesty and truth.

'Come as you are'

The fact is, I've spent almost a year now living this 'gap year' and being taught things every day. I've had people come and go. I've had words of prophesy and life spoken over me, I've had wild and wonderful adventures, I've had tears, tantrums and laughter, I've made ridiculous decisions but also really wise ones. 

But if I could say one thing that I've learnt through experiencing a year out? You don't have the answers, God doesn't hand things to you on a plate. You seek and you serve, you seek and you serve, until God is ready to show you and equipped you. Hopefully in the process you find your heart becomes more resilient to criticism and society. You start to learn that words aren't contracts, that people aren't 'all together', that life moves on, whether you want it to or not, that adulthood comes with a price, and that Jesus is your safest, strongest and most loyal companion. 

So I come as I am. 

I come as I am to all the areas of my life, and all the people in my life that learn from me, teach me, and love me. I come as I am with my smile and my strange obsession with keeping a diary, floral items and my overthinking. But I come as I am with the peace that who I am is enough.

So my encouragement to anyone who reads this is to do that too. Come as you are. Rejoice in the fact that you haven't got it all figured out, but you're doing a pretty good job at being you. 

40acts Bible Verse.

Today for my 40acts lent challenge I have to share my favourite bible verse via social network.

I thought I'd share a little story that happened to me recently: 

So auditioning at drama schools has been a BIG part of my life these past 6 months. The usual thing- wake up at ridiculous o'clock, check 60000 times that I have everything I need, fall asleep on various trains/tubes/coaches until I reach my destination. Show up, pray, pray a little harder, do my monologues, shake a few hands, phone my mum, get back on various trains/tubes/coaches and bed.

Standard. However, it started to get a little trickier. My anxiety got such a hold over me, and I found myself waking up in a cold sweat, lashing about and shouting "I can't do this!"

So every second of my audition days became hell. I vividly remember standing on a tube at 5.30pm on a Friday and feeling myself about to blackout whilst squashed up against various tourists. My mind was screaming "what can I possibly do in this situation?" I prayed so hard that Jesus would somehow wash over every nerve and fear and hold me upright until I returned home.

It didn't happen. Or so I thought...

London Charing Cross station. A very frantic Alice, running to get the next train, and finding myself praying the words "God, help me to think more like you. Give me Godly thoughts" and as I bashed past brief cases and suitcases, I suddenly see a message, just right there infront of me-

You are enough just as you are.

I stopped in my tracks, and Jesus said so clearly; "this is what I think about you."

Here's the bible verse I chose today-

There’s no end to what has happened in you—it’s beyond speech, beyond knowledge. The evidence of Christ has been clearly verified in your lives. Just think—you don’t need a thing, you’ve got it all! All God’s gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale. And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that. (1 Corinthians 1:4-9 MSG)

I challenge you today to pray a prayer. Something so simple and yet so powerful. Ask Jesus to show you things, to think like Him, to BE like Him.

Dear 14 Year Old Me

Dear 14 Year Old Me,

If I've learnt anything from leaving school and being forced to grow up into an adult, it's this-

The mass amount of eyeliner isn't fooling anyone. Nor the backcombed hair to make it look thicker than it really is. You have thin hair, you will soon embrace that. 

People won't like you. That will continue throughout every age. Learn how to stop pleasing everyone and learn who loves you most. 

Jesus is a wonderful comfort and healer. Stop using boys to fill the gaps. Ask Jesus to make you feel wanted, and trust me- He's better than any indie, skinny jean-wearing, gelled hair loser. 

You are enough just as you are. Stop trying to be like the other girls. Uniqueness gets you far, trust me on that.

A fitted bra is an essential. 

Your flaws aka being too skinny doesn't define you or have any ownership over you. Stop letting the demons weigh you down and start letting Jesus lift you up high. You look fine. Your mum will tell you that even when you're 18, rejected from one too many drama schools, and travelling back on the 10pm train crying. She means it. 

To Do lists are a wonderful thing.

Your sister is gold. Use her always and enjoy her while you can (she goes on to be a doctor and is wonderful at it)

Your love for Taylor Swift doesn't die...yes you will find yourself singing into a hairbrush to her songs throughout teenage years. Embrace it. She is the queen after all (sorry to all Beyoncé fans)

Yes there is such thing as a mini cheese grater.

One day you'll leave the house bare faced, in an oversized hoodie, in a rush, with things flying out your bag and half a slice of toast hanging out your mouth. And you know what? That's the you that you'll enjoy being. No fitted dresses, orange face and insecurities. Try and find that girl now- she's content and loved.

Go easy on teachers. They are human beings and just trying to earn a living. Being cheeky and giggling will only cause them an early breakdown. Thank them. Enjoy them and above all LISTEN to them. They are wiser than you think.

"When will I ever need to know this in real life?!" Girl you'd be surprised. Really.

Anxiety doesn't have to control you.

Love your parents, even when your mum is marching you upstairs to remove your face paint aka makeup. They adore you and will provide great love and support at your lowest moments.

A smile is the most beautiful thing you can own.

You are more loved than you think.

The real world is hard. Enjoy being in the governments protection and not having to pay for the dentist.

Tax is a real thing and it's hideous.

Love everyone. Even the rubbish people. Love them with your whole being. Forgive them for absolutely anything. See them the way Jesus sees them and you'll find a freedom in your heart that no one can ever give you. 

Make patience your friend.

No you don't lose spots once your 18. The horror continues. 

Drink lots of water. It heals you more than you think.

The Jonas Brothers do eventually split up- but that's ok. You get through it after a lot of tissues, cuddles and the realisation that they're lamer than you think.

Celebrate your good health- others aren't so privileged.

Finally, go easy on yourself. Take deep breaths and enjoy who you are and what you're going on to be. Embrace rejection, humiliation and standing out. Disown insecurity and guilt and allow Jesus to take over. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Now get a wet wipe and put on some Taylor Swift...you've earned it.

From Older You

The Sketch Pad

I feel embarrassed. 

I'd say that's my biggest confession to date. I feel embarrassed in not just a 'oh I did something silly' kind of way. I feel embarrassed about the situations I've been in recently, my face, my appearance, my personality, my age, my blogs, my experiences...I feel embarrassed for being me.

So yesterday I sat with Libby, my church's worship leader, who has baptised me and has mentored me throughout these past two years. I sat with her and started to unpick everything I was feeling. I began to notice what was truly weighing down my heart, what was stopping me from feeling contentment in myself.

 I discovered that the real battle is me.

I took up to doing something challenging for lent. Two things: Open Doors' 'Live like a North Korean' challenge and 40 acts. One challenges me to pray, live and reflect on the persecuted Christians, the other challenges me to reach out to the people around me. Two things I felt a longing to do. 

Today's challenge (for 40 acts) is this-

Toolbox. Write down all the experiences, talents, skills, relationships, personality traits etc. you have to add to your toolbox. I thought 'oh hear we go' but as I started to write...I started to notice...

Confession: I've been reluctant to blog and to write recently. I start typing a post and quickly hold down the backspace button. I just can't find the right words to say, I can't help but feel useless and stupid and unworthy all rolled into one.

So last night at church, after spending a day praying, reflecting and healing, I thought I'd pray for something else- "Lord, help me with my writing. I'm feeling stuck and I need you to solve it" and sure enough the most cliche thing to ever take place- I dreamt last night about opening an email, a comment from a woman on a particular post, showing kindness and encouragement. 

The chains of 'humiliation' began to break. Jesus took away the pride that had be gripped.

So as I sat with Libby, she said just a few words to me "you are so precious" 

...and it was all I needed to hear. 

Now my 15 year old Godsister, Ellie posted a video. I didn't get chance to watch it, so God tried a second attempt, and I received an email from 40 acts with this video attached. It's the Dove commercial. What a perfect time to watch this video as I metaphorically crawl into a hole of self-hatred.  

http://youtu.be/XpaOjMXyJGk

I began to cry as I watched the women realise their beauty. I watched in wonder as they began to crawl out of the self-hatred hole and see what others see.

Then God said something to me: "you might feel embarrassed by who you are, but the people around you never will. I never will"

I hope that if others were to draw me or describe me, I'd see things I never would have known about myself. And as God draws me on His 'creation pad' He never focuses on the 'flaws' that I've stupidly created in my mind, but the way my eyes light up at the topics I'm so passionate about, or the way I do certain things right. 

So I write this blog with a bit of insecurity creeping through the gaps, but in the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139) but I also write this blog in the hope that all who feel humiliation in their appearance and their personality- you are MORE beautiful than you realise. You are more cherished than you think. 

"You are so precious."

Life's Ladder

At my baptism last year I received a card. This card said something I never forgot. It said 'following Jesus is NOT easy' and I knew it to be true. I did. I just didn't know when that sentence would cripple me. It's happened, 11 months later.

I was in a some what 'honeymoon stage' with Jesus back then. I was floating on clouds as I twirled around declaring 'Jesus is Lord'.

I have now fallen to my feet, to the cold hard ground (to quote my beloved Tay) because the truth is I have been obsessing with who I am and what my intentions are and what my future entails that I've let go of the meaning, of the punch line, of the harsh reality. 

Something caught our eye last weekend in Bath. It wasn't the ENDLESS amounts of beautiful shops, although they were pretty spectacular! No no, it was the Abbey. Not just the Abbey itself, but what was sculpted on the front- a ladder leading up to God, and angels climbing up to Him. 

It got me thinking...even a masterpiece created hundreds of years ago STILL symbolises our church. Everyone desperately getting closer to God. One step ahead, two steps ahead, seven steps ahead. You'll see where this is going...

It's clear to me that I am in constant battle with myself. The expression 'I'm my own worst enemy' has a whole new meaning.

Jesus works in my heart in a strange way. Classic J. He starts churning it (just like my doctor tells me my stomach is 'very active') my conscience starts to stir. I start to feel feelings I want to dissolve and then Jesus says 'well go on then, ask for my help' and I suddenly ask with a humble heart and a humble mind.

The parents and I just watched 'Now You See Me'. After the first half an hour it was utter crap. It started to become a story about how the film company and playwrights can out-smart themselves. The theme of this codswallop was how, no matter how much the FBI (aka the good guys) thought they were on top of things, the magicians were always one step ahead, two steps ahead, seven steps ahead. Throughout the film they just kept trying to be a little further, a little more in front. And as the movie became so farfetched the novelty wore off. 

But there's my life. Right there. Right in that brief (and terrible) synopsis. My life is being one step ahead of the person sat opposite me as I desperately try and think of the next question to ask in a small talk situation. My life is being one step ahead of the people I don't understand. My life is being one step ahead of God, and that's not ok.

On our fridge we have Queen Victoria's famous quote "it's not important what they think of me, but what I think of them." I take my metephorical hat off to her. We obsess with ourselves to an extent where we forget others are too busy dwelling over their own insecurities. 

I got cross about something that happened recently that completely humilated me. It really did HUMILIATE me. I felt angry and abused and unworthy. It wasn't until I overhead one of the people in on this 'humiliating act' start talking about their health problems. Suddenly in a lightening-bolt moment the phrase 'be kind, because everyone you meet is facing their own battle' stopped me in my tracks. Truthfully, I get so caught up in my need for righteousness that I quickly forget that. 

We are ALL desperately trying to be one step ahead when climbing the ladder to freedom. Christian or non Christian. That's where we are. Climbing, falling, climbing. And as we go along planting clues and exalting ourselves, we forget that we're all in the same position- clinging on desperately to the bar that holds our status and to where life has taken us. Look around you. We're all in battles we can't seem to escape from. Battles with ourselves, with our families, with our colleagues and with our God.

But we have to stop persecuting everyone that stumbles on the rungs and does something foolish. We can't keep blaming everyone for mistakes whilst the demons of ours are weeping on our shoulders. Let's stop desperately putting ourselves on a pedestal of greatness, but let's also stop switching to a dark dungeon of self-disgust.

Our battle continues....

So, put down the sword. Put down the shield. Use Jesus as your willpower to keep climbing the ladder to freedom. He's NOT easy to follow, not by a long shot, but he's THE most powerful weapon.

I Wanna See You Be Brave

My sister is obsessed with an artist called Sara Bareilles. She forever has her feisty lyrics echoing through our house when she's not at the other side of the country training to be a doctor. She constantly says to me "Alice, you'd love her!" As I reluctantly roll my eyes and continue watching season 3 of New Girl. 

But she one day showed me a video of hers. It was called Brave and it instantly caught my attention when I saw the artist in a FABULOUS spotty shirt, trouser braces and dip dyed hair. I thought 'oh here makes a change from some pop star's breasts hanging out'

So I continued to watch...

I've had to be VERY brave these past few weeks. That word makes me sound like a 7 year old that's about to get an injection at the doctors- "you were a very brave girl" but I still stand by the fact that that saying is always very vital growing up. 

Being 'brave' doesn't just end when you start changing shoe size and learning a few bad words. It doesn't just grow as you stop crying at a grazed knee (because if I ever get a grazed knee, I guarantee I WILL be weeping) no no that's not a reason to be brave. 

You're taught as a tiny girl/boy that being brave is when you don't cry at mondane things. I don't agree with that. Not now. Crying isn't a sign of weakness. Being brave starts when you don't give in to peer pressure, when you get rejected by the cool girls and you carry on sitting in the same class as them. Being brave is when you face an adult who has no social etiquette and terrifies your well being so you find the right strategies to get you through the day.

You don't really get taught that much. Our government's more concerned about teaching young people some stupid, unnecessary triangle equation. Round of applause to our education system.

So when I took the very 'brave' decision to spend a year working, auditioning and learning about the real world, I had no idea that bravery was a VERY vital weapon to have in my pocket. 

I have had some moments in these past 6 months where people have honestly made me feel like I was THE most inadequate being. I've had adults cause me to cry in church toilets, I've had people cause me feelings of anger that I've never quite felt in my tiny blood vessels. I've had such unjust situations take place that have caused my whole well-being to crumble. I've been in a work place where I felt so left out of a 'team' that I wanted to grab my coat and never look back. 

So as an 18 year old girl, who has committed my life to following Christ and for some unknown reason wants to go into THE bitchiest, most unsympathetic & most judgemental industry, how do I cope with that? 

I think in life there are two options- let it destroy you or let it motivate you. I pick the second option every time. 

I shared my testimony to a group of wonderful young girls last Saturday. I felt God stopped me from looking at my notes and instead used the Holy Spirit as my prompter. I began telling them about how heart-shattering growing up in a group of girls can be, I watched them nod away as I continued my tales. 

You know the one thing I felt God was physically forcing me to tell these girls? Can you guess? Courage. Standing out. Fearlessness. 

So I played them this music video, the one in which my sister has been nagging me about for ages, and a roomful of smiles and tapping feet took place. 

I don't need to tell you that life is a truly terrifying place to live in, but I wish more people told me. I'm so fed up with people having some power under their belt and using it to feed their pride or ego or deeper...their insecurities. I now understand the saying 'count your blessings'...that couldn't be more vital. School is just the very first part of the journey, the real challenge takes place once you step out your bedroom and take on responsibilities. 

I think I sit here with the haunting knowledge that life, unfortunately, doesn't get much easier than this. Bravery is something you earn, but a humble heart has to trail alongside it. 

So dear friends, I continue on my quest to find true courage, wherever that may be or whatever it may feel like. But I'll start by holding my head a little higher and continuing to find the right moment, and the right outfit, and the right mindset to maybe, just maybe, be a little braver. 

MUSIC VIDEO ALERT....

http://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4

 

One Year Anniversary

It's been a year since I started writing this blog.

I remember sitting on my bed feeling like I had so many emotions sitting on my shoulders, weighing down my well-being and with nothing to do about it. So I prayed, stumbled across a blogging site and began typing. 

I've typed ever since.

On a train, at 2am, sitting in a cafe, in an audition waiting room, everywhere. 

You know 90% of what I type are the things I can never truly articulate in person. The amount of unwritten letters I have piling up my 'drafts' for the people that I'm too afraid to speak to face to face. The things I'm so desperate to say but can never find the words or the courage. So I type, I create these words that somehow become a story, a theme or a long note, and suddenly I feel a little better. 

I think if my blogging has taught me anything it's that firstly, it takes A LOT of time, but truly it has taught me about the beauty of having a voice, having some sort of say in society. 

For me, you can look at social networking I'm two ways- evil or good. I pick the second option every time. The thought of anyone reading a blog post of mine is a magical feeling. I can press 'publish' and never know who it's going to be read by. 

Whether I anger people with my beliefs, inspire, cause humour, it doesn't phase me... It builds me and moulds me. 

It fascinates me that we live in a world where feelings are so bottled up and locked away, almost like they are the demon to our livelihood. Someone said to me recently that they enjoy 'keeping their feelings secret' which is fine, but I argue that protecting your emotions is like putting a barrier up to protect your pride and your vulnerability. Sometimes it's vital, other times it's a burden. 

There's so much 'hard to get' churning up our romance and spitting it out. It saddens me that being spontaneous is seen as a weakness, that honesty is laughed at. What ever happened to the old fashioned days where dates and letters were so valued?! I feel like I'm a young women in a society where my feelings count for nothing. 

Why can't love be the WEAPON?! Why does our world decide that evil and pride are the forces that have control? We are so mistaken with the concept of love. It's so powerful. SO powerful. 

There's such a beauty in words. Look at songwriting, for example. Music is the hope and motivation for our society. Through every genre, every artist and every topic, people are inspired and moved by what they hear. The music industry is filling up and exploding due to its massive popularity. 

People constantly echo this saying- "I never told them how I felt about them" so they live in the constant regret of choosing pride before emotion. I recently wrote some cards to people, telling them everything I feel about them, in the hope that they'd forever remember what I said. 

But maybe it's about time I put down the laptop and start using my vocal chords to express my feelings. It's a struggle for me to move away from the 'letter in a bottle' effect that I live by. 

Jesus never EVER had a problem with words. His words are what changed the course of history. He brought this love into the world and made it into the most powerful force. He didn't hide behind, He stood BY it. 

If I can challenge just one person through my blog, I'd challenge you to start wearing your heart on your sleeve and start living the life the way it deserves to be lived- through belief, hope and having a voice. 

Thank you to the people who actually have an interest in the words that I type and the beliefs that I feel. It's been an emotional year, but a year that I cherish and delight in.

Expectations

The title of this blog is quite simply just that. Expectations.

I have a few expectations in my life. Just to name a few- I expect each of Taylor's albums to produce something so profound, breathtaking and enchanting that I'm lost for words. Ofcourse she never disappoints. I also expect my cat to feel 9 out of 10 excited to see my face whenever I walk in a room. Again, she fails to disappoint. I expect a Mc Donalds to always cure my heart (not in the physical sense...it will probably be the cause of my death...rebuking) and Woodlands Adventure Park to STILL be the place that causes happiness and joy in my soul. 

But this kind of expectation is something I'm very rapidly and painfully learning as a girl thrown out into a pack of women, men, employment, auditions and 'the real world'.

The type of expectation that eats away at your faith in humanity, but also your faith in individual people. 

Quite honestly, I'm ashamed to say that I get fed up with humans in a lot of situations, and as my dad spends his life telling me that 'life is unfair' I'm beginning to reluctantly nod along with that statement. It really is. But what really causes my blood to boil is how much I WANT and NEED from humanity.

So one day I got all angry about it and then God introduced to me the best bloody quote I've heard all year (and no it isn't a Keep Calm one because I utterly detest any Keep Calm quote) it's this-

"Never feel disappointed in someone who doesn't know your expectations"

How can I feel a sense of disappointment and injustice in a certain individual or situation when my expectations haven't been made clear? 

I mean what did Jesus expect when he spent his life picking up the pieces of every broken person he came across? He expected one thing and one thing only- God's overpowering love and compassion to take over people's hearts. 

If anything that's the main expectation God has for any of us- to introduce humanity to the untameable spirit of Christ. 

And when I think about it thoroughly, God provides us with a few other expectations too- the expectation to pray for everything and anything that crosses our path, to not lie or steal or cheat or dishonour or disrespect. To love and smile and welcome and approach and believe and trust and understand and empathise. 

God so clearly states His expectations throughout time so that we are AWARE and IN PERFECT UNDERSTANDING. 

 

Something wonderfully-humbling happened to me last week through my lack of expectancy...

Last week I stood surrounded by very beautiful, quirky individuals as we fought like wolves to just get noticed at this audition. So it was my turn to go into the panel, as I sheepishly moved my hair behind my ears and readjusted my bra and other items of clothing. I began with my Shakespeare piece- Katherine from Taming of the Shrew (who reminds me of myself in so many ridiculous ways: stroppy, stubborn and opinionated) I reluctantly gave the panel any sort of eye contact in the fear they were A) asleep or B) laughing at me. So thus followed my second monologue and a brief interview in which I responded to a question using the word 'splendid'...pardon? 

I knew I was in for the bitter-sting of a rejection as the shortlist made an appearance. I fearfully elbowed my way through the crowd of thespians to see a blank space where my name should be...

And there it was. 

Alice Goble. 

Recall.

I ran, like I've never ran before, to the toilets in which I phoned my mother in a hysterical panic at the realisation that my expectations were never met...they were created like a beautiful masterpiece to simply knock me off my feet. 

I then took part in the 2nd round, AND then put through to the 3rd round, to finally get myself to the final round (which will commence in March) and through every second of that day I thanked Jesus for being the most loyal, perfect and trustworthy man to ever walk this planet. 

I find that if I don't expect things, I don't feel the consequences. If I turned up to that audition awaiting a recall, how does that make me anymore superior to the other candidates? How does that help my journey as a young woman in Christ? 

So my next (rhetorical) question is this: how can we as a society put all our hopes and vulnerability so carelessly into the hands of people who haven't even earned that responsibility? Let alone the people who HAVE earned it but equally can't always be in full control. We are all flawed human beings at the end of the day. I can't keep expecting things in return.

I'm not talking about asking someone how they are and expecting a response, that would just be damn right rude. I'm talking more about people's friendships, time and feelings. 

The point of this blog is that, no, I don't have the answers for how to prevent disappointment, particularly with expectations standing in the way. But if my bible and my faith have taught me anything it's that my expectations in Jesus will NEVER be left out in the rain, they will always be very VERY clear.

Thank you God for being the one source that can take my expectations and create them into a masterpiece. YOUR masterpiece. 

January Blues

I've gotta be honest with you- this month has been a really weird, annoying and MISERABLE month. Oh my word if I see one more 'how to manage your post-Christmas debts' article in my life I'm going to fall to the ground and curl up in to the foetal position. Yet another thing to thouroughly look forward to in my older age. Debts. Money. Bills. Morgage...

I have to say that these past few weeks, maybe even few months, have been like walking up a very slippery hill of mud, pain and reality.

I've missed so many weeks of church I'm beginning to wonder if people even remember my name. I'm spending more time worrying about the dust on our shoe shelves at work, or worrying about my next audition, or stressing over the amount of deadlines I have to meet, that I've forgotten about how to look after myself, and how to focus on God.

I'm in a whirwind of trying to keep everybody pleased. My colleagues, my family, my discipleship girls, I've now started to grow a phobia of trying to enjoy my life and the journey God has ready for me. I find myself being told what to do a lot, but never telling myself what to do.

I'm on a gap year where I'm honestly surrounded by old people (no offense), very serious married adults (again, no offense) young girls, children, Christians (who fall in to most of these catogeries) athiests, parents, glamourous women, my family etc etc.

And you wonder how on earth I could feel so isolated and lonely? I ask myself the same question!

I got shown a book recently about a black dog. A dog who follows someone around and stops them from feeling themselves, prevents them from feeling any sense of happiness or freedom. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about- depression.

It got me thinking about how underrated depression really is. How many people go through it silently and painfully. Now ofcouse I'm not in any way saying that I have this horrible illness, but I'm starting to understand the feeling of being trapped and uninspired. I'm started to notice a tiny black cloud above my head that stops me from enjoying my present and start anxiously awaiting my future.

I have a beautiful and blessed life. But most importantly a beautiful guy called Jesus who smiles at my stupid jokes and stands next to me as I furiously scrub off the dust at my work.

A few very unjust things have happened lately. Doesn't injustice really suck? It eats away at my well-being and takes over me like an explosion of red fury. People who haven't treated me the way I deserve to be treated, people who haven't given me the time and love I feel obliged to receive. So I got cross, said a few things in anger that I quickly took back, and I decided that enough is enough.
But then I thought of something even deeper-
 If we turn the tables, maybe the injustice is staring at me right in the mirror.

The fact I'm not concentrating on Jesus or my diet or my happiness. The fact that I'm allowing myself to walk down the street refusing to smile at people as I hurry past. The fact that I'm terrified to be in a crowd of people now incase I feel unapproachable or inferior.

I guess the saying 'practise what you preach' springs in to mind everytime I tell a young person to be kind or to listen to Jesus.

So it's about time I start putting on some mascara and socialising. It's about time I remove the demons sitting on my shoulders and the anxiety I have waiting for me when I gain consciousness, and start being my old self again...because I miss her.

Flaws and All...

So I'm sat in the hairdressers. It's busy. Lots of beautiful women scattered around like wasps to a pot of jam. A row of us sit and stare at our reflections as our very talented hairdressers snip away, desperately trying to style and perfect our every strand of hair.

I can't help but look at myself and feel so disheartened about my reflection. 

I know I've blogged about this a million times and used to think 'well now that I've gone through insecurities and prayed about my insecurities, I'll be fine.' No that's certainly not the case. They will always sit on your shoulders, attach themselves to your wrists and ankles. Insecurities and doubts and worries always make a re-appearance- but I've learnt that there are ways of handling it.  

A year ago I walked down the street a little differently. I used to walk with a bit of a spring in my step like something out of a sickly Disney movie. I held my head up whilst bouncing along to a Colbie Calliat tune. 

If I was to take you back to my school life, where my insecurities were so plastered across the walls I could barely see the paint work. I was full of self-hatred that I was forever stood on the outside whilst the pretty curvy girls, with the indie clothing and dip-dyed hair were giggling like a chorus of morons. I would watch. I would try and bend over backwards to look a little more like them and a little less like me.

So Jesus came along and He told me something wonderful- 'Alice, blessed are those who are cracked and let the light shine through'

So I started to walk with a smile, and sure enough each step I felt a little more at peace with myself. 

The mirror became my friend. My clumsiness was (surprisingly) tamed. My 'going red at any given moment' was embraced. So suddenly I was able to council younger girls, girls that remind me so much of myself at that age.

It's funny how, without even being aware of it, Satan gets in to the cracks and fills them with darkness.

So let's go back to my hairdressing experience. As I sat and read their endless supplies of women magazines, I noticed how every page was filled with women that I'll never be able to look like, and every page I turned was a constant chorus of 'your hair isn't as nice as her's' 'your body isn't as good as her's' 'your eyes aren't as bright as her's' so I closed it with haste, and began biting my nails in the horror that my insecurities are still very much there, and this time closer than ever.

The fact is everyone I know is so obsessed with diets and weight and faces and hair and noses and eyelashes and nails. EVERYTHING. So how am I supposed to escape this concept of 'vanity' when I practically eat sleep and breathe it.

I learnt a harsh but very honest reality about myself when I was 13 years old and complaining to my mother about the fact my bra was from the 'haven't quite gone past triple A' section. I learnt that I will ever and could never be like everybody else. That's it. That's my lifetime reality.

I will never be the girl to put pictures up of my buttocks hanging out or discussing the endless amounts of boys I made out with through my teenage years, because I never did that! Nor will I be the girl to get uncontrollably wasted and regret one too many things the next morning. I will always be the one that sits at a party admiring the choice of wallpaper, than stumbling in 10 inch heels. I  mean let's be honest, I spent 99% of my time in choir practice or singing in my hairbrush to Taylor Swift as a young lass.


But then I get to the question- why IS our society so bloody obsessed with being like everybody else?! Why do we live in a world of comparisons and 'upgrading'? Why can't we be our very own jigsaw piece that doesn't need to be bended into another shape to fit in- why can't we just embrace our shape, our colour, and the part of the picture we fit in to?

You know the FIRST thing I get told at any audition I attend is this- 'just be yourself' and I could never quite get my head around the fact that 'being myself' meant talking with a volume of 100, falling over/dropping things at any given moment, being overly enthusiastic about the most mundane things, a rubbish speller, a girl who still dances on my own in my bedroom to 90's dance songs. I'm a mess.

But what makes me a mess?! Who decides that I'm not good enough exactly the way I am? What does being sexy even mean these days?! Is it the size of my breasts or the size of my heart? Because option A isn't the one for me...so maybe the answer is confidence. Being confident is the sexiest, most beautiful and most sparkling thing on any young woman.

So yes I do turn up to my auditions being myself, whatever the hell that means, and sure enough
through my over-enthusiasm and clumsiness, I get recalls, I start to get noticed.

And sure enough I woke up this morning, after falling to my knees in prayer and asking God to get rid of this darkness weighing down my shoulders, and suddenly I felt bright again. I slipped on my new dress, stepped out the house and I started to get my walk back, I started to smile again- flaws and all.

So if I could challenge any young girl or middle-aged woman today; I'd challenge you to start embracing and enjoying the qualities that make you different to the other billions women on this planet. I'd challenge you to stop fretting about your weight gain, or weight loss and start realising that life is more important than a dress size.

But most importantly I'd challenge you to start feeling about yourself the way Jesus feels about you- and He thinks you're flipping perfect the way you are.

Start letting that light shine and sparkle through the cracks. Go on, I dare you.

Raise Your Voice

Before I start my blog post, I want to share a story with you. If this is the only part of this post that you read, then let me share this. I recommend anyone who doesn't care or like or know or want Jesus to watch this video, to listen to this story. You never have to think about it or watch it again if you don't want to- just do it. This is a man who found his voice...and not through breaking legs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL_UC8s8Dwg

 It's that time of year again when Big Brother makes an appearance on our television screens. I've mentioned this before in previous blogs- Big Brother has to one of my favourite reality TV programmes.

Reality TV has taken not just our society but so many countries by storm. Channel 4 have now earned a name for themselves through their endless amounts of documentaries. Whether it be babies being born, prisoners being released, different religions, different illnesses, schools, theatres, hospitals, and my favourite one being Gogglebox- a documentary about people watching TV. Just when you think television couldn't get any crazier!

But the reality is that we as a nation, as human beings, are fascinated by people. The people of our kind who live vastly different lives. We are gripped by people's well-beings, standards and boundaries. We use it as a platform to voice our opinions on their lifestyle, almost like a stadium full of empty seats where we can shout through the microphone what we believe.

We want to be heard. We want to be listened to. We want to have a voice.

So as I got myself comfortable, switched on the two big brother's I'd missed, I sat in amazement at just one man's voice.

The 'celebrities' were sharing their life stories, all competing with one another to see how outrageous and ferocious their own past could be. There were sex addicts, alcoholics, violence, newspaper articles, nudity for money...the usual. And after each story, the other people around them decided to clap, to actually applaud the 'celebrity' for their past mistake (or not so much a mistake judging by the look on their faces as they gloated in their tales.)
So up comes Jim Davidson- the man known for being a bit of a pretentious, opinionated so and so. And he stands there, telling them about his drug addictions, but suddenly he starts to talk about a 'greater power' 'a greater love' and I'm clutching my mug of tea thinking 'yes please say it please please'...and sure enough, he starts talking about God. Exclaiming that God's love is what saved him.

For all the years I've sat and watched shows like Big Brother, where boundaries and preservation are merely forgotten, I've never known someone to stand up and openly speak of God's love.

Then later on in the programme, Evander Holyfield, a very scary looking man who would quite easily take out all the housemates with one touch, confesses to being a Christian. He spent the evening reading his Bible, arguing against homosexuality, eating animals, nuclear bombs. And yet again, I clutch my mug of tea and shout 'DON'T SAY IT DON'T SAY IT'...and sure enough he did say it- accusing homosexuality of being wrong and a 'choice'.

So thus began the uproar from the general public. Campaigns of hate are being introduced virally. And again and again the Christian faith are being stereotyped and misunderstood through one man's claim.

Stephen Fry recently did a documentary on how gays are treated worldwide, and on the Gogglebox documentary (remember, the one where we watch people watching TV?!) the families sat and watched it stating that Christian's are wrong, confused and ignorant. Throughout the programme the church was being scrutinised and abused for what is written in the bible.

This blog isn't about being gay and our views on homosexuality because if it was I'd only need to write it in one sentence- Jesus adores everything about you, no matter who you are or what you stand for. The point is that finally our reality television is showing Jesus' disciples sharing their testimonies to the people that maybe don't want to hear it.

If men like Evander Holyfield, Jim Davidson and even pop stars like Jessie J can stand up and say 'yes I love God, he's saved me and this is why...' breaking all normality, then maybe our society can have their stereotypes ripped down.

I've said this before and I'll never stop saying it- Christianity is suddenly breaking these stereotypes and accusations through not just modernising but also through the power of the Holy Spirit. We're standing as an army and breaking down the walls of every reality television programme and the people that star in them.

Let's stop our faith from having a bad name chained to it because of topics like homosexuality, evil and injustice. Let's start standing up in a crowd and shouting out:
 'my life has been saved and this is how...'
'my chains have been broken off because of one man...' 


Because only one man's voice is powerful enough to change the world, but if we use a bit of His strength and wisdom, we can do it through him.

After all, Jesus has been and will forever be the greatest superhero in history.