I'd say that's my biggest confession to date. I feel embarrassed in not just a 'oh I did something silly' kind of way. I feel embarrassed about the situations I've been in recently, my face, my appearance, my personality, my age, my blogs, my experiences...I feel embarrassed for being me.
So yesterday I sat with Libby, my church's worship leader, who has baptised me and has mentored me throughout these past two years. I sat with her and started to unpick everything I was feeling. I began to notice what was truly weighing down my heart, what was stopping me from feeling contentment in myself.
I discovered that the real battle is me.
I took up to doing something challenging for lent. Two things: Open Doors' 'Live like a North Korean' challenge and 40 acts. One challenges me to pray, live and reflect on the persecuted Christians, the other challenges me to reach out to the people around me. Two things I felt a longing to do.
Today's challenge (for 40 acts) is this-
Toolbox. Write down all the experiences, talents, skills, relationships, personality traits etc. you have to add to your toolbox. I thought 'oh hear we go' but as I started to write...I started to notice...
Confession: I've been reluctant to blog and to write recently. I start typing a post and quickly hold down the backspace button. I just can't find the right words to say, I can't help but feel useless and stupid and unworthy all rolled into one.
So last night at church, after spending a day praying, reflecting and healing, I thought I'd pray for something else- "Lord, help me with my writing. I'm feeling stuck and I need you to solve it" and sure enough the most cliche thing to ever take place- I dreamt last night about opening an email, a comment from a woman on a particular post, showing kindness and encouragement.
The chains of 'humiliation' began to break. Jesus took away the pride that had be gripped.
So as I sat with Libby, she said just a few words to me "you are so precious"
...and it was all I needed to hear.
Now my 15 year old Godsister, Ellie posted a video. I didn't get chance to watch it, so God tried a second attempt, and I received an email from 40 acts with this video attached. It's the Dove commercial. What a perfect time to watch this video as I metaphorically crawl into a hole of self-hatred.
I began to cry as I watched the women realise their beauty. I watched in wonder as they began to crawl out of the self-hatred hole and see what others see.
Then God said something to me: "you might feel embarrassed by who you are, but the people around you never will. I never will"
I hope that if others were to draw me or describe me, I'd see things I never would have known about myself. And as God draws me on His 'creation pad' He never focuses on the 'flaws' that I've stupidly created in my mind, but the way my eyes light up at the topics I'm so passionate about, or the way I do certain things right.
So I write this blog with a bit of insecurity creeping through the gaps, but in the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139) but I also write this blog in the hope that all who feel humiliation in their appearance and their personality- you are MORE beautiful than you realise. You are more cherished than you think.
"You are so precious."
No comments:
Post a Comment