January Blues

I've gotta be honest with you- this month has been a really weird, annoying and MISERABLE month. Oh my word if I see one more 'how to manage your post-Christmas debts' article in my life I'm going to fall to the ground and curl up in to the foetal position. Yet another thing to thouroughly look forward to in my older age. Debts. Money. Bills. Morgage...

I have to say that these past few weeks, maybe even few months, have been like walking up a very slippery hill of mud, pain and reality.

I've missed so many weeks of church I'm beginning to wonder if people even remember my name. I'm spending more time worrying about the dust on our shoe shelves at work, or worrying about my next audition, or stressing over the amount of deadlines I have to meet, that I've forgotten about how to look after myself, and how to focus on God.

I'm in a whirwind of trying to keep everybody pleased. My colleagues, my family, my discipleship girls, I've now started to grow a phobia of trying to enjoy my life and the journey God has ready for me. I find myself being told what to do a lot, but never telling myself what to do.

I'm on a gap year where I'm honestly surrounded by old people (no offense), very serious married adults (again, no offense) young girls, children, Christians (who fall in to most of these catogeries) athiests, parents, glamourous women, my family etc etc.

And you wonder how on earth I could feel so isolated and lonely? I ask myself the same question!

I got shown a book recently about a black dog. A dog who follows someone around and stops them from feeling themselves, prevents them from feeling any sense of happiness or freedom. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about- depression.

It got me thinking about how underrated depression really is. How many people go through it silently and painfully. Now ofcouse I'm not in any way saying that I have this horrible illness, but I'm starting to understand the feeling of being trapped and uninspired. I'm started to notice a tiny black cloud above my head that stops me from enjoying my present and start anxiously awaiting my future.

I have a beautiful and blessed life. But most importantly a beautiful guy called Jesus who smiles at my stupid jokes and stands next to me as I furiously scrub off the dust at my work.

A few very unjust things have happened lately. Doesn't injustice really suck? It eats away at my well-being and takes over me like an explosion of red fury. People who haven't treated me the way I deserve to be treated, people who haven't given me the time and love I feel obliged to receive. So I got cross, said a few things in anger that I quickly took back, and I decided that enough is enough.
But then I thought of something even deeper-
 If we turn the tables, maybe the injustice is staring at me right in the mirror.

The fact I'm not concentrating on Jesus or my diet or my happiness. The fact that I'm allowing myself to walk down the street refusing to smile at people as I hurry past. The fact that I'm terrified to be in a crowd of people now incase I feel unapproachable or inferior.

I guess the saying 'practise what you preach' springs in to mind everytime I tell a young person to be kind or to listen to Jesus.

So it's about time I start putting on some mascara and socialising. It's about time I remove the demons sitting on my shoulders and the anxiety I have waiting for me when I gain consciousness, and start being my old self again...because I miss her.