2013

This year I feel like a whole rainbow of colours have been set on fire and morphed in to a stain glass window effect- that's how this year feels to me. Because every colour has been a mountain, a riddle, and a quest.

I've learnt that the finality of this life is so unpredictable that words can never be unsaid, that bitterness is to be forgotten. I've learnt that sometimes it's ok to stop and take a breath. That my health is to be treasured and valued, I've learnt where my boundaries are, what my body can cope with. I've learnt that things reach their expiry date. That change is ok. It's very ok. That wrapping my arms and legs around God is a wonderful comfort, but through this I've learnt to jump down, and walk hand in hand to become a team. I've learnt that life is very unjust, unrighteous and unexplained. I've learnt that words and actions have to walk side by side. That pain is a feeling that can fade. That having a vocation is a marathon, not a race. That rejection is a humbling gift. That appearance is a lie and a smile is sometimes all you need. I've learnt the beauty of children, unlocking a part of my soul. I've also learnt that an adults wisdom is a medicine. I've learnt about the less fortunate, the different cultures of the world. I've learnt that girls will be vicious, but Jesus will ease the sting. That church can be in wellie boots and wristbands, fancy frocks and sparkly shoes, harps and synths, organs and carols. Church is no longer a service but an army being trained. I've learnt that God has a humour. That responsibilities can't be left undone. That vulnerability is to be guarded. That innocence is to be cherished. I've learnt the desire I have to serve young people. The love I feel deeply for Shakespeare's work and a passion I've developed through my writing. I've learnt that expectations can't be met when they're not being outlined, that you're not always going to be liked. I've learnt about budgeting, priorities and the importance of honesty. That asking questions is ok. That God wraps you in provision. I've learnt that sometimes, if you're humble and not at all prepared, life is full of time-stopping, enchanting surprises. 

So through finishing sixth form, achieving a levels, being baptised, turning 18, passing my driving test, going to my first Christian festival, getting two jobs, starting a gap year, doing missionary work, directing a nativity, running a discipleship group, auditioning at drama schools, receiving two recalls. Through all of this I've seen myself grow, adapt and aspire. 

Thank you 2013 for teaching me what an instruction book never could. Thank you God for your almighty provision.

CHRISTmas Vs Christmas.

I never used to be bothered about the fact people celebrated Christmas for all the commercial reasons. I think I just thought 'well if Sundays are no longer important, if Easter is not much of a big deal, if nothing our Christianity promotes is being accepted- atleast ONE thing is being celebrated' a good thing. A birth of the worlds greatest superman.

Sometimes I chuckle to myself (well I do that a lot actually...particularly at my own jokes) because I think 'HA you hate Jesus but you celebrate Christmas suckeerrrrr' but of course I say this with a humble and gracious heart...

It wasn't until I stumbled upon a non-Christian friend's tweet saying 'Christmas isn't even a religious thing anymore, what's the point of going to church on Christmas Day anyway?!' It was a bitter-sweet statement to read.

 1) yes, it is still a 'thing' and a very important thing to Christians world wide. It's something we delight in because finally the most powerful, boundless light took out all this darkness.

2) it's not religion it's RELATIONSHIP. The amount of times I say this, rolling my eyes, like an angsty teenager. 

For me anyway, it's no longer hymn books, dog collars and silence. The church is becoming new, modern and exciting. The old is getting dusted, polished and re-evaluated. I was saddened to know that a Christian friend of mine kneeled at the alter for communion, only to be turned away because he wasn't of that 'denomination'. Now please don't get me wrong, I love an old fashioned service as much as the next person, I'm certainly not condemning the different denominations of faith. But I can't help but ask- What are we trying to achieve when turning people away from Christ?! Do we honestly want these non-believers, who only know the stereotypes of our so called 'religion', to one day kneel at an alter and be turned away. Isn't that the most damaging approach to Christianity? Didn't Jesus say that He loves everyone, He shares His body and blood for everyone, He died to save everyone?

If we look at the WWJD question- would he honestly turn someone away from sharing his body and blood because of the type of church they go too?! I'm filled with such a burning desire to see churches stand up and be noticed. For these outreach programs to start changing nations. A church very close to mine has absolutely flourished through their work with the homeless and addicts. Lives are suddenly not just being saved, but evil is being ripped out their souls, their hearts and their lifestyle.

So that leads me to point 3) I hate to admit it, but actually my friend is right- why should they go to a church service with no belief in Jesus, in his existence and purely for the 'sake of it'? To feel 'christmassy?' If people like my friend are seeing Christianity through these old and dull stereotypes, why should they sit through 2 hours of it?

 It's a wonderful opportunity for churches to take note and start inspiring, changing some lives, welcoming the holy spirit to pour out in to the four walls and more. Now I don't mean to be biased (cough cough) but my church, I believe, does a wonderful job of that. I was moved to tears at just a simple (but detailed) shadow puppet display about the story of Jesus' birth.
I enjoy my church so much because of what it does to my heart. Because I can sit in whatever service or event and feel moved. I can ask for prayer and feel accepted.

I want to see the church stereotypes move away from the yawning and boredom and start moving towards this powerful force that can't help but take over people.
Our youth pastor said to me recently 'and then I'll finish with- 'if some of you here don't know Jesus and you'd like to, please come up for some prayer'...I always seem to throw that in my teachings recently' and what an amazing statement to casually 'throw in' to a sermon. Because suddenly people are being challenged... a vital part of following Jesus; being challenged.

Since going 'independently' in my faith these past 2 years I've seen Christianity in a whole new light. It's about following Jesus, living for Jesus and working alongside Jesus. Suddenly the walls were being smashed down around me (a bit like a Miley Cyrus video- minus the inappropriate nudity!') and my world was being changed. I no longer saw Christianity as all these rules, facts and figures. I started to feel a force inside me, a spirit far from any fear or destruction. It started to change me and move me and inspire me. And the complete opposite to everything I thought 'religion' was- I started to feel this freedom. What a beautiful feeling as tears rushed down my cheeks and my chains began to break.

So my prayer this Christmas is that lives will be moved, that Jesus' birth will not be forgotten but delighted in. My prayer is that my non-Christian friends will never feel as though Christianity is something that turns them away because of any sin, sexuality or lifestyle. Jesus is the most precious, most beautiful and most powerful person to believe in.
 And once you find him, your life will never be the same...

Merry Christmas beautiful friends, family and lovely strangers.

A xx

Mirror Mirror

I've been noticing recently the obsession of 'image' that's being shoved in our faces in every possible direction.

The main news story being about Amy Willerton. The most beautiful woman alive. Who dared to strip down to a bikini in a scorching hot jungle. Of course she took one step on to the I'm A Celeb set and it was all guns blazing. Can it be that an attractive, flawless woman is also well spoken, intelligent and kind hearted?

So thus began the hate campaign.

Lucy Pargeter being the main ring leader, accusing the 21 year old of being a 'piece of meat' due to her career of beauty pageants and modelling competitions. How interesting that the Emmerdale star has been snapped in lingerie for lads mags and calenders. But we won't go in to that. The point of this being that a handful of those 'celebrities' all with partners, children and a past, chose to complain, bitch and whisper about a girl who's only downfall (or not so downfall) is her beauty. And the irony being that the message they were wanting to put across was 'girls shouldn't be judged on their appearance' and sure enough, through making their thesis, the 21 year old model was too being judged on her appearance.

What a flawed society. We are forever being spoon-fed the ideas that women are no longer judged or mistreated on weight and appearance, and yet through this strong campaign, the girls, like myself, who are naturally very skinny get thrown in to the fire.

I work in an industry (a fashion store) that uses clothes as a way of covering up, enhancing, uplifting, and matching a woman's figure and general appearance. I see my role as an encourager to every woman, young or old, that needs advice on what helps them to feel comfortable and beautiful. Mirrors are at every angle so that women can see every angle of their representation to the world. Now some may disagree with this- but I see such a healthy and natural approach these clothes stores are introducing. They're allowing women to feel beautiful. They are 'entertaining' every age, height, weight and style. Because not once do I serve a customer that doesn't have a lit up face at the thought of wearing and modelling their chosen item of clothing.

They say- 'you should wear the outfit, don't let the outfit wear you' and it's a saying I regularly go by. I won't turn up to a party in high heels (high and sharp enough to defend myself from a rapist) and a short, tight, strapless dress, because I wouldn't feel comfortable nor beautiful in that. I wear dresses with ribbons and collars and dolly shoes with sparkle; that's what I feel my most 'Alice' in. My family are regularly laughed at for all having matching tweed blazers- because we all completely delight in that look.

Another thing taking the nation/world by storm is Beyonce and her fierce, crazy, flawless visual album that has sold quicker than any other record of a modern 'pop star'. The artist subtly dropped an album in to itunes this week, and BAM within seconds, there it was for all to see. Her own intakes and visions of what her songs mean to her. She describes her album as her 'visual masterpiece' and says that people should enjoy an album for an album, not just one song they particularly like. That was great. I was so excited to watch the videos. So I sat and watched them, from 1 to 100000. But what I couldn't help noticing is her constant bare butt cheeks in every video. And as she dances around a poll to a fully clothed man (who I believe is Jay Z?) I ask myself where the originality is? Where is the line? Doesn't she contradict her entire moto that women are strong, independent and beautiful? Why does being naked even have to be included in any modern music video?

But that's neither here nor there.

I just feel we are forever having our heads shoved in to the puddle of 'beauty' 'image' and 'self-portrayal'. I love a good 'selfie' as much as the next person, but I like it because of the memories, colours, moods and moments it captures. The moment I start worrying about a mark on my face or a gap in my fringe is the moment I start putting appearance first.

I can't help but feel a protection over women that still see image as the centre of their problems...and myself included! My insecurities have seemed to have rocketed these past few weeks. Spots are becoming more of a dilemma, my outfits are becoming more of a burden. More and more I'm falling in to the well-known trap of 'am I beautiful?' 'What makes me beautiful?' 'What is beautiful?'

I think the moment you start feeling comfortable in yourself, is when you start feeling comfortable about your mistakes, about your past, about your future. So maybe image is important. Yes it important, and a new hair do or a new dress is certainly something to delight in. But it's important to appreciate, to feel a sense of peace, to accept.

I think the real answer to my blog is summed up in just two lines.
The Bible will go until the end of time with a statement so profound, powerful and wise-

'I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well.'

'with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child'

Writers block doesn't even begin to describe what I'm going through at this moment in time. It's literally like there is a wall in between my keyboard and my brain. How frustrating!

So first things first- my nativity happened last Sunday and it was the most heart-warming, wonderful and insanely cute performance to ever take place in the history of ever. My children were shining stars as they told the story of the best and most brightest star of all- Jesus. And as their little voices echoed in to a beautiful lullaby about the saviour of the world being born, the tears began to flow. I truly believe that the innocence of a child is enough to cause such a powerful, boundless and world changing spiritual reaction. So when someone told me that a woman was so moved to tears and felt such a connection with God through that performance, it brings to life what I believe.

Thank you to my church for allowing me to be such a small but wonderful part of the Christmas story. I'll forever be touched.

Here are some snaps of the festive season in Alice Goble land-

This week I went to London (Fundon) for some drama school auditions. I am thrilled to say that I got a RECALL for the new year. Thank you Jesus!

The start of advent meant the start of the advent candle

It took us 14 days in to December; but we finally got around to putting the decs up!

The most glorious church in London. I was overwhelmed seeing so many homeless people sleeping on every pew in the church. The house of the Lord can be used in so many powerful ways.

The advent service at Salisbury Cathedral. So. Many. Lights. So. Beautiful. Help.

My Christmas wrapping has only just begun. 

The finished masterpiece of our Christmas decorations.

I wanted to write some meaningful and poetic blog about this, but I think it just speaks for itself. My sister sent me something that caused a beautiful reaction- the feeling of being understood. I've never read anything that is so close to my heart and my livelihood as these few sentences-

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
Veronica A. Shoffstall

Thank you, Veronica for writing exactly what my heart was feeling.

God bless you all at this magical and reflective time of year.

Alice's Top 8 Drama Tips

This is my headshot for drama school. It took 10 minutes to get me to stop smiling.

'Hi I'm Alice, I love drama and performing. Shakespeare is my favourite, I'm really clumsy and yes, my hair is naturally this bright' this tends to be the sentence I repeat again and again when told to 'introduce myself and say a little bit about what I do/what I like'

For 10 years, my eyes have lit up for one thing and one thing only- drama. I love the stage. I love to perform. I love to be another character. I love to tell stories.

Here is a little snippet of my essay for drama schools:
'I'm a lover of stories. I love hearing stories, telling stories and even creating stories. I
sometimes wish my life was a story, and in my mind I like to believe that it is. Through the
realities of work and busy lives I fear that people can start to lose sight of the wonder of
stories and the magic and release they can bring. Acting to me is one big story. You get to
tell a tale through being someone you're not, a whole different character, perhaps with
different physical features, different morals and a different way of living. That's what
performing is to me. It's allowing every audience member to step out of their own world and
enter in to another and in doing so hopefully allowing each audience member to be moved in
some way.' - Alice Goble, Sep 2013.

I've never had a quote before so I like to think this is my one and only quote to sum up why I love what I do.

The thing about drama is that it's not just a highly competitive, difficult, hyped up, generalised industry (need I go on?...) It's a lifestyle. A challenge. A way of living.
Isn't that the definition of lifestyle? A way of living.
The habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards etc., that together constitutes the mode of living of an individual.
So not only do you have to use all of the above for the character you are playing (like good old Stanivslaski has taught us) but you also have to use all of the above for your own development as an actor.

My heart fell to the core of the earth when I got rejected from not one, not two, not three but four drama schools last year. And with each rejection letter and 'we wish you all the best in the future' being shoved through my letter box, my heart shattered more and more. And when I finally got to the final round, competing against the chosen 400 other budding-thespians to get one of the 28 spaces on the course, that final rejection was the cut off point.
It's taken me approximately 8 months, 5 hours and 21 minutes to finally get up, chin up and dust myself off. It's the most devastating moment when all that you are is just not good enough for all that you want. Wow, what a sentence. I can't put it any better or any simpler than that.
So, I've done myself a list, a list of things to always have in my back pocket whenever acting becomes the most wonderful and most tragic part of my future. It's their to remind me of why I'm doing this.
I've called it:

Alice's Top 8 Drama Tips

1. If I feel a sudden release of thousands of butterflies in my stomach whenever I watch any sort of performance; it shows I'm exactly where I should be.
2. rejection is ok. It happens. It will forever happen. 9 out of 10 times it will be rejection. The more the merrier I say! Get up, get out and get positive. 
3. get all experience I can possibly grab. Every opportunity must be grabbed with both hands.
4. when I hear a voice in my head saying 'I could do that' please believe it. It's a little thing called 'self belief' and it doesn't always mean your head can't suddenly fit through the door.
5. explore all plays, genres, eras, films, tv dramas and practitioners.
6. research all possible drama routes e.g. drama schools, youth theatre's, companies, degrees, Christian drama companies, theatre in education etc. 
7. PREPARE, PREPARE, PREPARE. The amount of times my ex drama teachers have drilled that in to my mind. Preparation is key. What is it they say? Preparation is the cure for pre-audition nerves.
8. enjoy it. If God has given me a gift- excel in it, embrace it and live for it.

My list will probably get to 100 throughout my career in performing. But right now these few golden points that I've learnt in the past year will keep me grounded and on the ball throughout this stressful, 'what do I want to do with my life', time. 

I'm also a sucker for lists. Lists are good.

Auditions start the beginning of next week and round one will continue until the end of January. Prayers please. I certainly do need them.

Over and out,

A x

Advent

Start the trumpets,

A sky so thick with darkness that the chill has it's own life.

Start the trumpets,

Suddenly it's time. 

A flicker, so blinding, so earth-shaking and mind-blowing, my deepest delight.

A ray of light breaks through, it loses the urge, loses the chains, it stars to unleash.

A light so blinding, so boundless, that evil starts to decease.

Its safety is so magnificent and yet my soul begins to shake.

Something so wild yet so controlled is about to enter the shadows of our very core.

And as each vessel is filled with a spark so luminous it burns away my bitterness, all evil is shunned away, all darkness has gone astray. 

A lullaby of a cry sings through my soul, and lights up my eyes.

This light beams from something so tender and frail, and yet its presence causes my soul to excel.

Angels start to sing, they rejoice in a saviour.

For this saviour is magnificent, wondrous and sent from my creator.  

The Bench.

The definition of Déjà vu: 'From French, literally "already seen", is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not.'

There was a bench that I sat on, two months ago, when feeling so lost and out of sync that I just needed to sit. So I sat on this bench, feeling like a complete weirdo- because who sits on benches these days just for the sake of it? Well that's probably a stupid question, but I just felt weird. No, I felt lost and I felt bitter- that's how I really felt at that moment in time. 

An old lady walks towards the bench I was sat on. She stops, pauses, and sits down next to me. 

In that blink of a moment I thought 'oh, here we go, one of those movie moments where she tells me something insightful and I start crying and my life makes sense again URGH.' 

No that didn't happen. 

She just sat next to me, let out a long sigh, and only our breath was to be heard. And just for a few minutes it was silent, but a silence that was peaceful. 'Calm before the storm' as it were.

Two months later, In a rush to my new job, I walked past that very same bench. And just like the first time, that very same old woman was sat on the bench, accept this time I wasn't next to her. There was an empty space next to her, almost as if I had disappeared from that moment.

So I stopped, and stared, (would like to point out it wasn't as creepy as it sounds) and for a short moment- it was just our breath to be heard. 

You know when I thought Jesus was about to plant an 'old lady giving wisdom' bomb on to my sadness that day? Well He did. But it took two months and 4 days to feel the impact.

It was literally like deja vu. It happened all over again.

How many times have I spent the past few weeks experiencing deja vu in so many random moments of the day?! I find it so strange and terrifying and magical all in one. 

This idea that you've already been in that moment, you've already experienced the sensations and the feelings, but suddenly it just disappears and you're back to the present. However, this time I was far from living in the past. 

Do you want to know the words I said to myself when I stopped and saw that old lady sat on the...no...my bench? 

I said 'look how much has changed.'

Suddenly whirls of realisation and stories began circling in my mind--

I got a new job, I did missionary work, I got my hair cut off, I was in charge of a christmas production, I found out what I wanted to do with my future, I gained experience, I learnt valuable lessons, I started auditioning, my life started changing.

My life went from nothing to everything in the space of two months and 4 days.

Imagine if that old woman knew how much had changed since that moment. Imagine if she knew she was a part of my story? Because just her presence was enough...it was enough to question my life, my future and what God is trying to teach me.

At the moment, everything is at 100 miles per hour each second of each day. I keep calling my gap year my 'learning about the real world' year because everyday I'm learning the harsh truths but also the glorious truths about the big wide world. 

Last month I had prayer for healing, healing emotionally and spiritually. 

And within hours, days, weeks, Jesus answered that prayer with a big fat YES. 

So I'll walk past that bench tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year.

I don't know whether I'll see that old lady again, but my challenge for next time is to talk to her, to befriend her, to tell her about the wonders Jesus has done and what He has taught me through her presence. 

Ps- the bench I'm sitting on in my photo wasn't actually the bench I'm talking about. But it is a pretty good bench. From my photoshoot with Paul Eaton- check out his website/blog: http://www.lighteternal.co.uk/alice/

Today...

'Shape me, mould me, I want to be more like you'

This is my prayer for this month, this week and today.

Today I decided that I want to be so shaped and healed and changed by Jesus that I can constantly tell people that Jesus is the reason I do the things I don't always want to do, to lift up his name. I want to be recognised as a young girl shining so much for the Lord that it's inspiring, it's wonderful, it's everlasting.

I want to live only for Jesus and do everything for the glory of His name.

Today I decided that my debts are so paid for that it's time to start praising, singing, smiling, laughing, because my sins no longer hold me back. 

The dead body chained to my arm has been released. 

My life has been saved.

My life is valued.

Let all the earth proclaim the Glory of God. My saviour and my true inspiration.

Magnificent kindness, you came to find us,

I turned around and you were there,

standing in Mercy, forever You've won me,

You taught my heart to sing again.

So when I stand before His throne, one day, any day, I will stand before Jesus and then in him I will be found.

Nativity, Fairylights and 1940's Dresses.

I took this picture at a SWYM (South West Youth Ministry) conference in Somerset last week. Claire and I whizzed up the M5 at 6.30am, with our slippers on, to be greeted by this wonderful view.

And as we spent the day discussing all aspects of youth work in schools, and Claire making me sound like I was some sort of youth worker superhero, I learnt some very valid things.

'God, tell me what you want to teach me today' I said several times as I reluctantly got out of my warm bed. So I think my half full notebook, by the end of the day, has a lot to say for that...

prayer = answered.

Now I'm yet to mention on my blog that this year I am running the Christmas production at my church. I couldn't decide what excited me more about this prospect- the tinsel, the carols, the cuteness, the acting, or the fact we're telling Jesus' story- let's say a mixture of everything. 

So as I frantically ran around the church yesterday at 4.00pm with fairylights wrapped round my neck/face/head and a stapler balancing in my mouth (impressive right?!) I had to thank Jesus for giving me such a wonderful role. 

I learnt so much from the conference that I was able to apply and create for my own rehearsals. The children were fabulous, their passion and gifts were also fabulous and the fact we managed to get 13 children surrounding a piano singing 'Little Donkey' at the top of their lungs caused a large amount of goosebumps but also a real sense of Jesus' presence and love in all of those children's hearts.

I sat the children in a circle and in the centre I put a lantern and then fairylights around the lantern. We switched the lights off and I asked them 'who is Jesus?'

We had many marvellous responses. My favourite being 'a man with lots of goodness' yes, absolutely. I then switched on the lantern and said 'this light is Jesus' light filling the world, but if Jesus is the light of the world, what do these fairylights symbolise?' I said switching on the fairlights and causing the children's eyes to sparkle with amazement (fairylights do have that effect.)

The most precious answer I got was a little girl who said 'well Jesus is so full of grace that we can't help but be filled with it too.'

And as the room filled with peace so did my heart. 

I got home that night thanking God for young people and for how much I delight in their gifts and enthusiasm. I then thanked God that he also delights in their gifts and their wonders.

I thanked God that I was a part of the Christmas story just by showing up and letting him say the words.

Tonight is theatre night. That's not actually a thing, as much as I would love it to be, but as a present for my dad (mainly for me) I'm taking us to see The National Theatre's production of People by Alan Bennett. Beyond excited to bask in the glory of theatre and acting.
This dress is my Great Auntie's dress from the 1940's. I wear it to any special event I can because when my Auntie was a teenager, she too wore it to any special event she could. I love the history that comes with this dress.
And again, there are fairylights. Oops.

Over & Out x

Typhoon Haiyan

Through tearless sighs, endless screaming and a desire to survive, there is a God who heals.

Through the loss a life, a home and a fading light, there is a God who rebuilds lives.

Tonight I light my candle for the devasting, saddening and shocking disasters in the Philippines. Children screaming out in pain, mothers dying, husbands losing their wives. 

Horrific.

But I believe in a God that comforts, loves and heals in times of need. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that as a disciple of Jesus, I am called to take action.

So tonight I light my candle for the victims and spend my evening praying and asking Jesus for a miracle to happen.

I light my candle with faith in the power of Jesus.

Jesus be at the centre of it all.

'Let them know, always let them know'

It's November, and as we Brits don't do any of this 'thanksgiving' malarkey, I thought I would take matters in to my own hand and spend this month really reflecting on the wonderful moments, people and experiences God has put in my life. As I sat in church today and sang the words 'be still and know your creator' I heard this overwhelming message from God saying 'be thankful' so thankful I will be.

Isn't it interesting how we waste so much energy and tears on the people that think nothing of us, the people that hold grudges, that dislike, and yet there are so many others that see me as a precious person in their story. 

They say 'to the world you are just one person, but to one person you are the world' and despite seeing that on numerous amounts of fridge magnets, mugs and Facebook posts (sorry if that's you guys & gals) the saying actually upholds a lot of meaning.

My dad once said something very wise to me. He said 'you should only be able to count your most important people on one hand.' He was right. Popularity no longer concerns me, my well-being is far greater.

There are more than just one hands worth of people to feel thankful for...

My mother being the main person to love me. She is my twin and my comfort all in one. She never fails to mention how much she delights in my character. She also never fails to mention when I'm wrong...but I think that's just a mum thing! And I'm greatful for that.

My wonderful brother who continues to remind me how much he values my confidence and passion.

My sister. Who is just the most precious girl in my life and will forever be the person I run too.

My daddy. The wisest, funniest and most loyal man. Other than Jesus. Of course.

My Uncle Matthew. He constantly loves me and supports me with my hopes and dreams. I love him a lot.

Emma. She will kill for me putting this picture up, eating a burger, but she is a woman I never thought would change my life as much as she has done. Everything she does for me reminds me that I am loved beyond belief. 

My God family. Unfortunately I can't get my God parents in this photo as they weren't there at the time, but I particularly appreciate this photograph. My God sister, Ellie is a very passionate girl who I will continue to love and support from the age of 3 till the age 1000000000. My God parents have always believed in me and always care for me in ways unimaginable.

My discipleship girls (who aren't all in this epic photo) but I thoroughly enjoy their smiles, stories and passion for learning about Jesus. They teach me so much and I see such potential in them. Also, Charlie, the leader, who is such a comfort and blessing to me through her knowledge and friendship. 

My church. Just to name a few of them (who aren't all in these pictures, typical) 

Claire (who is a massive inspiration to me), Hugh & Phil, Joel, Tania, Mat & Maria, Libby, David, Tim & Anna. All of them particularly invest a lot of time and love and wisdom in my well-being. I constantly see God working through them in my own life. 

So maybe I do have over 5 wonderful, loving and accepting people in my life. Each of them I will thank God for everyday. They will never know how much I truly appreciate them, but I thought this blog post would be a good start.

Art or outrage?

“It's impossible to say a thing exactly the way it was, because of what you say can never be exact, you always have to leave something out, there are too many parts, sides, crosscurrents, nuances; too many gestures, which could mean this or that, too many shapes which can never be fully described, too many flavors, in the air or on the tongue, half-colors, too many.” 
― Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

This morning I read something very disturbing about women rights. Feminism is such a fascinating and powerful topic. So many people have so many different views. Some women won't take their husbands name as it might take away their identity, others believe men should work and the wife takes on the 'housewife' role. The type of female rights that interests (and also concerns) me, is the content that is plastered on my television screen, in the magazines I read and with the people I associate with.
When I see my social media pages full of half naked young people, and then hear on the news of endless amounts of immoral acts towards women, it makes me question the impact young people have on our culture.

I know my last blog post was also to do with young people and being different when deciding to follow Jesus, but this is a subject a lot more sinister and has me totally immersed.

The Handmaid's Tale written by Margaret Atwood is a book that continues to fascinate me. I studied this book in English, during my final year at sixth form. It speaks of women's rights in a very post-apocalyptic setting, using one woman's story as the symbol of Atwood's belief in the destruction of our culture. There's a particular moment in the book that had me captured. A large group of women decide to take a stand on the theme of 'objectifying females' and burn every magazine, every book, every picture that discriminates against women's purity, rights and future. The outcome of this movement causes their world to go the opposite direction. Women are purely used as vessels for child birth. The teachings of the Old Testament are manipulated and therefore their teachings completely cut out Jesus' mercy and eternal gift for us.

I believe women's rights are something every young girl should be taught. Despite people's beliefs on the subject, it's something I will forever thank my English teacher for investing the time in and exploring on such a personal and emotional scale.

Now the big Miley Cyrus 'scandal' after her performance on the VMA's got me thinking. The world looked in horror as this young woman (who was once a child role model) started using the foam finger in very outrageous 'shan't be repeated' ways. And then when Robin Thicke wonders out in his flash suit and Miley starts dancing around him with no clear boundaries, again this got me thinking. Jameela jamil writes a very insightful article on this particular topic. Isn't it interesting how the best act that night as the beautiful Justin Timberlake- fully clothed, wearing a hat and scarf, and using musical theatre to really bring his hits to life. Of course I am biased because I hope one day he will marry me, but nevertheless, he was remembered for that performance.

When walking home from work last week, I was listening to an interview with Lady Gaga on a podcast. She constantly describes her music as art. 'Well it's just art, I really have to connect to my music, I don't do pop music, I create art' blah blah blah. Despite the fact her music sounds exactly like any other song in the chart, I actually have a lot of time for Gaga. She's a very articulate, intelligent and educated woman. Her music is very polished and creative. I very much value her opinion. However, when newspapers publish pictures of her in a night club, completely butt naked, when performing her new single, I question the message she's giving out to her audience. Perhaps I'm being too prude and too concerned. Maybe Gaga has got a very innocent and educational explanation for her performance that I'll never truly understand. But it plays on my mind. She lives off this motto that she wants to be different and show her 'monsters' (that's her fans) that it's ok to stand out. What a wonderful message to base your career and lifestyle around. So when asked about her outrageous performance she replies 'there's nothing to be shocked about. It's art. It's very natural to be naked.' Yes, yes it is. But that statement can also be very mistreated, undervalued and abused in this day and age.

The problem when being a role model is that you can't have it both ways. These women put out this image to the whole world that being half naked and grinding a fully clothed man is art. It isn't art. It's objectifying yourself. Ironically they use it as some sort of 'freedom' to be a culture where women no longer need boundaries. I get that. I love the equality this culture is very quickly grasping. However, is it allowing our generation to view the performance and think 'well if showing off your body/appearance is what makes you successful, I'll do it too' and therefore causing a culture with so little boundaries to become out of control.

Now I'm not saying any of these female artists are wrong or immoral. Of course not. I just can't help but feel very trapped in a society where pleasure and appearance comes first. Young women can't escape this belief. For every perfume advert or Linx advert, the littlest amount of clothing for women is practically expected. If you look at celebrities with tattoos- that's fine, it's completely their decision what they have inked on to their skin. But when young people see these tattoos and decide to have the design permanently inked on to their own skin, it makes you think- 'well what next? How much more can they be influenced?'

Now again I am about to sound as biased as they come- but wasn't Taylor Swift's performance on last weeks X Factor such a refreshing thing to see? She was fully clothed, wearing a black polo neck (wouldn't be my first choice of clothes, but sure) and singing about love (of course) with Gary from Snow Patrol. The week before on X Factor, Lady Gaga wore such little clothing I'm still pretty convinced they just found some old shells and tied it with string in order for her performance to actually be aired on national television. 

The point is that Taylor is very much aware of her role through her career- she inspires. But the problem with inspiring others is that there's suddenly a very fragile path in front of you. Every possible tweet, interview, performance, song, outfit, hairstyle is put on a massive billboard for every fan to see, with a heading above it saying 'this is acceptable'.

Now forgetting about women and my slightly feminist blog post- I know someone who inspires millions. This person thrived off being different. He is different in so many wonderful ways and it purposely wasn't for His appearance. It's for His kindness, acceptance, grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, hospitality and leadership. Any guesses on who I'm talking about? Jesus, of course. 

If you want a world that no longer participates in crimes such as rape, discrimination and murder- turn to Jesus as your inspiration. 

These stars are wonderful people. Of course they are, because someone died for them so that they have a purpose.
So I pray that they will be filled with a need to follow Jesus and use their talents, fame and wealth for the glory of God, so that every young person who witnesses these stars future performances, feels a overwhelming need to do the same thing.

Stars, Starlight and Adolescence

Some of you crazy cats may have noticed something different...no? I'll point it out to you-
I've changed my blog name.

Here is my story...

'Like we're made of starlight' is a lyric from a Taylor song that I love. It's a song about Ethel Kennedy when 'courting' the one and only Robert (Bobby) Kennedy in the late 1940's. The song is based on a photograph of the couple, aged 17 at a party. It's about the excitement of being young and naive and how the world is so new and yet so wonderful.

The song drew me towards my Great Grandmother, a woman I will forever long to meet. Her name was Lorna, which I am honoured to hold as my middle name. Lorna went to RADA, a school I long to study at. And Lorna went on to perform in various west end shows as a young woman. I like to think I carried a big part of her throughout my existence, through my love and passion for the stage. As a little girl I regularly stared at the photo of her and my Grandfather (who too was a west end actor) and hoped that one day I'd dream dreams as magical as hers.
When starting my blog, I felt like the lyric 'like we're made of starlight' summed up my heart. I was starting my auditions and planning a whole future for myself with such a wonderful, fearful and magical unknown plan. It's that idea that when you're at a certain age, right at the peak of your adulthood, everything contains such a sense of belonging. The endless possibilities of careers, relationships, whatever life throws at you. I find that enthralling, especially when I was at the end of my a levels and ready to step in to the unknown.
Now that still excites me, but almost a year on I'm starting to approach life a little differently.

'You're always holding on to stars'

Whilst driving down a very unsafe road, watching stray dogs run out in front of cars, and donkeys and carts being pulled in the opposite direction, that line was swirling in my head. I'm of course talking about my recent trip to Moldova.
Nathaniel Ruess is a very clever, clever man. Since seeing the band Fun earlier this year, a deep love for their music has blossomed inside my heart. They're the sort of band that get it. Everything you feel, through their ridiculous amounts of harmonies, auto tuning, and amazing sounds of drums, violins and trumpets throughout each record, it captures parts of you that need lifting.
So when Nate starts singing out 'you're always holding on to stars, I think they're better from afar' I fully understand the meaning behind that line in my own life. I always hold on to thoughts, feelings, ideas, pains, dreams, truths, memories. So when my expectations don't meet reality, it puts me at a dead-end. My Moldova trip was a firm example of expectations never coinciding with the reality.

That's where my blog posts come from, holding on to stars. My ideas and feelings and passions can escape in to thousands of words. But I'm learning that I can't hold on to everything. Not in reality. So that's where I give it to God.                                                          

So here starts my posts with a new name, a whole new identity.
No I'm just kidding...it's only a different blog name but you catch my drift.

The Thing About Esther...

Today, like everyday, I looked in the mirror and started sorting my appearance out. Firstly, I noticed the really annoying boil that seems to be growing on my chin, the fact that I felt too tired/poorly last night to take off the remainder of my mascara therefore it was smudged under my eyes like some sort of panda. I then began noticing the more obvious things- the fact that my hair is so bright that I'm pretty sure people squint a little bit when they see me in the distance. I noticed the paleness of my skin, how I'm still asked by close friends if I 'have enough vitamin D' in my life. I do for the record. I then looked at my body-  my moles, my height, the random little bruises and marks I have on my legs. I'm really far from perfect. But three years ago when I looked at that same girl's reflection, I wasn't so content with my appearance. I stood out. I always have. In every photo of me as a baby, as a child, as a teenager. I've always been the really skinny, really blonde girl that likes to smile a lot.
Now for the people that ever hear my testimony, you will know that being 'different' is a battle I've always felt the need to fight. I hated it so much because 'why couldn't I be like the other girls in my class?' 'why can't I dye my hair?!' 'why can't I have a fake tan?' Ha, can you imagine me with a fake tan?! The point is that every girl, every young person that feels like they're a little bit weird or different or feels like a massive outcast, I totally get you because I've been there.

A character I love in the bible, who I feel is almost slightly underestimated/unheard of is a girl called Esther.
Now Esther was a beautiful young Jewess, a girl who was raised by her older cousin when her parents died. The King of the Persian empire (Xerxes) chose Esther to be his new queen.
To cut a long story short, Esther found out that genocide was about to be inflicted on her people. So going against every rule, everything that the society practised, everything that the King stood for being that 'every man should bear rule in his own house.' (Esther 1:22)
 Esther goes against that and confronts the King. Something that was so unacceptable and resulting in death was challenged. She stood up for her identity, her people, her beliefs.

The thing about Esther (see how I linked that with my title?!) is that she stands out from the other girls. Even when the King was choosing his new queen, he noticed her beauty amongst all the other females. She was noticed and so much so that she has spent thousands of years being a representation for how, I believe, women should behave.

Now not long ago I wrote a Facebook status about being different, about not having to fit in with everybody else. The story before that status was this- as I scrolled through endless amounts of tweets about 'going clubbing' 'pre-drinking' 'the gym' and several other passive aggressive 'statements' by girls all close to my age, all living in different parts of the country, I couldn't help but notice how everyone's idea of a good time was exactly the same as the next person...but not for me.

The day I committed my life to Jesus was the day I committed my life to never, ever being like every other young person that walks past me in the street. Now I'm not saying I'm completely different to every young person. Of course not. The majority of my friends have been people that are just like me. But what I mean is that when you follow Jesus you suddenly commit yourself to a life of standing out, standing up and standing firm. I no longer have to fit in with these ridiculous, social stereotypes that are moulded in to young people's livelihood.
I'm so proud that, like many other Christian young people, I can stand up and say 'well actually I don't believe in that.' And it's not just about what we don't do and what we won't do...It's about what happens to us when we do give our lives to something far greater than what society tells us. Jesus.
That Facebook status I wrote received a very positive response. A lot of people messaging me. I was almost slightly baffled by the response. But the reason it was so popular was because people get it. We as the younger generation, even the older generation realise how in today's life if you don't fit in you get out. You're not attractive or cool or popular if you go about things a little differently.

Self value is a very beautiful and honourable thing to obtain. So yes, when I look in the mirror tomorrow I'll notice all the flaws and parts of me that do stand out in a crowd. But glory be to the God who uses people's identities so that they can turn to the world and say 'I am so proud to love a God who relishes in my image and my identity.'
I want to be like Esther for every time I feel the stereotypes aren't glorifying Jesus' name. For every time a person or a situation isn't being valued enough. For every time I, myself don't feel valued or respected enough.

So here's to every person that stands out from the crowd and uses Jesus' teachings as a way of freedom, not as a way to fit in with everybody else.

Here here.

'...While having coffee all alone and Lord, it took me away.'

Costa and bible date...I'm such a sophisticated woman now

 Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.- Romans 8: 38-39


My title for this post is actually a Taylor Swift lyric and it just so happened to fit in with my blog, because, I was in fact having coffee all alone, and the Lord really did blow me away. (I mean obviously her lyrics don't imply that. She is actually speaking about...yeah, you guessed it- an ex boyfriend!)

I've been absolutely absorbed by the book- The Dating Dilemma. Slightly obsessed with Rachel Gardner and her inspiring, feisty and epic ways, (have I mentioned she is like in the top 10 prettiest women I've met?) A true legend. Anyway, enough of the fan-girling! I went to one of her seminars in the summer and it really caused a reaction inside of me to go on and do what she does; tell wonderful young people about a wonderful God who loves us and wants us to know about it.
So,
I was reading through my book and out popped Romans 8: 38-39 about how God's love for us is so boundless and powerful and fearless that nothing in the history of the universe, in all existence, can stop it. Not ever. That's the affect that this guy called Jesus managed to create just through ya know, a few miracles, some flawed disciples and a violent death. He changed the course of history till the end of time, and sometimes I kind of forget about how big that is.
On Thursday morning I was reminded again, sitting having coffee on my own and asking Jesus what he wanted to tell me. He told me this-

 'My love for you is a powerful, uncontrollable force that has and will continue to change people's lives until the end of time'

Thanks, Jesus.
You never fail to surprise me.

Coffee and Jesus

This past week I've seemed to have got myself in a dilemma. I keep going around in circles, like some lost child trying to find a friend. I'm in this state of affairs because of one thing- I'm not giving enough time to God. For some reason this week I've practically stopped speaking to Him, asking Him or even concentrating on Him. It's almost like I keep forgetting that He is with me. Always. Even on my day off, sat in my pajamas on my laptop, drinking a cup of coffee, He's right here with me. So why do I keep pushing Him to one side and saying 'I'll talk to you later, I'll pray to you later, I'll put it on my to do list'?

 Did you know I actually have a to do list now?! I wake up each morning with a whole handful of tasks to complete. My mind would get so scattered that I needed something to keep me organised. 

I honestly, whole-heartedly write on my to do list: 'Read my bible' or 'spend time with Jesus.' I'm writing this to remind myself in black and white how bad that is. Because in those few seconds of me writing that...I could be speaking to Him. 

So let's say I'm sat having a coffee with Jesus. What would happen? Well, like with most of my friends that I go for coffee with, I'd tell them about the important parts in my life, and then they tell me the important stories happening in their life...

So I'm sat facing him, two hands wrapped around my mug. So, why don't I do that with Him? I should tell him about my week, my month, my worries.

So what next? Well, my 'coffee date' would probably then offer me some advice, a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand.

Ring any bells, Alice? 

Jesus can do all of those things and so much more. 

But what would Jesus actually tell me to do?

I think he'd tell me to stop noticing everything around me and start doing. I have an interesting habit of being very aware of people, moments, problems, situations and not actually doing anything about it. 

Since Soul Survivor I've started to be so much more aware of my heart. I no longer try and blame others for a problem and instead search through my own actions. The problem is that, yeah, I can find so many things that need changing...but I don't actually get up and do it. 

I think Jesus would tell me that life only starts once I stop sitting around and expecting Him to do it all for me. He'd tell me that I'm stronger than I think I am, and that a selfless heart is a wonderful heart. So maybe that's what I need to aim for...

This blog post is my way of reflection, to show the world that it's time to do and not just to expect.

I forget that Jesus isn't just my teacher and my saviour and my comforter...He's my friend too.

So my challenge everyday this month is to start my morning with a cup of coffee, with my bible and notepad in front of me. I'm going to start reading through the Gospel, spending time on daily devotions and telling Jesus everything, asking Him questions and just letting His love wash over me.

'Life begins once Jesus becomes the reason you live it' 

and what a beautiful situation to get yourself in...living for Jesus.