Stars, Starlight and Adolescence

Some of you crazy cats may have noticed something different...no? I'll point it out to you-
I've changed my blog name.

Here is my story...

'Like we're made of starlight' is a lyric from a Taylor song that I love. It's a song about Ethel Kennedy when 'courting' the one and only Robert (Bobby) Kennedy in the late 1940's. The song is based on a photograph of the couple, aged 17 at a party. It's about the excitement of being young and naive and how the world is so new and yet so wonderful.

The song drew me towards my Great Grandmother, a woman I will forever long to meet. Her name was Lorna, which I am honoured to hold as my middle name. Lorna went to RADA, a school I long to study at. And Lorna went on to perform in various west end shows as a young woman. I like to think I carried a big part of her throughout my existence, through my love and passion for the stage. As a little girl I regularly stared at the photo of her and my Grandfather (who too was a west end actor) and hoped that one day I'd dream dreams as magical as hers.
When starting my blog, I felt like the lyric 'like we're made of starlight' summed up my heart. I was starting my auditions and planning a whole future for myself with such a wonderful, fearful and magical unknown plan. It's that idea that when you're at a certain age, right at the peak of your adulthood, everything contains such a sense of belonging. The endless possibilities of careers, relationships, whatever life throws at you. I find that enthralling, especially when I was at the end of my a levels and ready to step in to the unknown.
Now that still excites me, but almost a year on I'm starting to approach life a little differently.

'You're always holding on to stars'

Whilst driving down a very unsafe road, watching stray dogs run out in front of cars, and donkeys and carts being pulled in the opposite direction, that line was swirling in my head. I'm of course talking about my recent trip to Moldova.
Nathaniel Ruess is a very clever, clever man. Since seeing the band Fun earlier this year, a deep love for their music has blossomed inside my heart. They're the sort of band that get it. Everything you feel, through their ridiculous amounts of harmonies, auto tuning, and amazing sounds of drums, violins and trumpets throughout each record, it captures parts of you that need lifting.
So when Nate starts singing out 'you're always holding on to stars, I think they're better from afar' I fully understand the meaning behind that line in my own life. I always hold on to thoughts, feelings, ideas, pains, dreams, truths, memories. So when my expectations don't meet reality, it puts me at a dead-end. My Moldova trip was a firm example of expectations never coinciding with the reality.

That's where my blog posts come from, holding on to stars. My ideas and feelings and passions can escape in to thousands of words. But I'm learning that I can't hold on to everything. Not in reality. So that's where I give it to God.                                                          

So here starts my posts with a new name, a whole new identity.
No I'm just kidding...it's only a different blog name but you catch my drift.

The Thing About Esther...

Today, like everyday, I looked in the mirror and started sorting my appearance out. Firstly, I noticed the really annoying boil that seems to be growing on my chin, the fact that I felt too tired/poorly last night to take off the remainder of my mascara therefore it was smudged under my eyes like some sort of panda. I then began noticing the more obvious things- the fact that my hair is so bright that I'm pretty sure people squint a little bit when they see me in the distance. I noticed the paleness of my skin, how I'm still asked by close friends if I 'have enough vitamin D' in my life. I do for the record. I then looked at my body-  my moles, my height, the random little bruises and marks I have on my legs. I'm really far from perfect. But three years ago when I looked at that same girl's reflection, I wasn't so content with my appearance. I stood out. I always have. In every photo of me as a baby, as a child, as a teenager. I've always been the really skinny, really blonde girl that likes to smile a lot.
Now for the people that ever hear my testimony, you will know that being 'different' is a battle I've always felt the need to fight. I hated it so much because 'why couldn't I be like the other girls in my class?' 'why can't I dye my hair?!' 'why can't I have a fake tan?' Ha, can you imagine me with a fake tan?! The point is that every girl, every young person that feels like they're a little bit weird or different or feels like a massive outcast, I totally get you because I've been there.

A character I love in the bible, who I feel is almost slightly underestimated/unheard of is a girl called Esther.
Now Esther was a beautiful young Jewess, a girl who was raised by her older cousin when her parents died. The King of the Persian empire (Xerxes) chose Esther to be his new queen.
To cut a long story short, Esther found out that genocide was about to be inflicted on her people. So going against every rule, everything that the society practised, everything that the King stood for being that 'every man should bear rule in his own house.' (Esther 1:22)
 Esther goes against that and confronts the King. Something that was so unacceptable and resulting in death was challenged. She stood up for her identity, her people, her beliefs.

The thing about Esther (see how I linked that with my title?!) is that she stands out from the other girls. Even when the King was choosing his new queen, he noticed her beauty amongst all the other females. She was noticed and so much so that she has spent thousands of years being a representation for how, I believe, women should behave.

Now not long ago I wrote a Facebook status about being different, about not having to fit in with everybody else. The story before that status was this- as I scrolled through endless amounts of tweets about 'going clubbing' 'pre-drinking' 'the gym' and several other passive aggressive 'statements' by girls all close to my age, all living in different parts of the country, I couldn't help but notice how everyone's idea of a good time was exactly the same as the next person...but not for me.

The day I committed my life to Jesus was the day I committed my life to never, ever being like every other young person that walks past me in the street. Now I'm not saying I'm completely different to every young person. Of course not. The majority of my friends have been people that are just like me. But what I mean is that when you follow Jesus you suddenly commit yourself to a life of standing out, standing up and standing firm. I no longer have to fit in with these ridiculous, social stereotypes that are moulded in to young people's livelihood.
I'm so proud that, like many other Christian young people, I can stand up and say 'well actually I don't believe in that.' And it's not just about what we don't do and what we won't do...It's about what happens to us when we do give our lives to something far greater than what society tells us. Jesus.
That Facebook status I wrote received a very positive response. A lot of people messaging me. I was almost slightly baffled by the response. But the reason it was so popular was because people get it. We as the younger generation, even the older generation realise how in today's life if you don't fit in you get out. You're not attractive or cool or popular if you go about things a little differently.

Self value is a very beautiful and honourable thing to obtain. So yes, when I look in the mirror tomorrow I'll notice all the flaws and parts of me that do stand out in a crowd. But glory be to the God who uses people's identities so that they can turn to the world and say 'I am so proud to love a God who relishes in my image and my identity.'
I want to be like Esther for every time I feel the stereotypes aren't glorifying Jesus' name. For every time a person or a situation isn't being valued enough. For every time I, myself don't feel valued or respected enough.

So here's to every person that stands out from the crowd and uses Jesus' teachings as a way of freedom, not as a way to fit in with everybody else.

Here here.

'...While having coffee all alone and Lord, it took me away.'

Costa and bible date...I'm such a sophisticated woman now

 Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.- Romans 8: 38-39


My title for this post is actually a Taylor Swift lyric and it just so happened to fit in with my blog, because, I was in fact having coffee all alone, and the Lord really did blow me away. (I mean obviously her lyrics don't imply that. She is actually speaking about...yeah, you guessed it- an ex boyfriend!)

I've been absolutely absorbed by the book- The Dating Dilemma. Slightly obsessed with Rachel Gardner and her inspiring, feisty and epic ways, (have I mentioned she is like in the top 10 prettiest women I've met?) A true legend. Anyway, enough of the fan-girling! I went to one of her seminars in the summer and it really caused a reaction inside of me to go on and do what she does; tell wonderful young people about a wonderful God who loves us and wants us to know about it.
So,
I was reading through my book and out popped Romans 8: 38-39 about how God's love for us is so boundless and powerful and fearless that nothing in the history of the universe, in all existence, can stop it. Not ever. That's the affect that this guy called Jesus managed to create just through ya know, a few miracles, some flawed disciples and a violent death. He changed the course of history till the end of time, and sometimes I kind of forget about how big that is.
On Thursday morning I was reminded again, sitting having coffee on my own and asking Jesus what he wanted to tell me. He told me this-

 'My love for you is a powerful, uncontrollable force that has and will continue to change people's lives until the end of time'

Thanks, Jesus.
You never fail to surprise me.

Coffee and Jesus

This past week I've seemed to have got myself in a dilemma. I keep going around in circles, like some lost child trying to find a friend. I'm in this state of affairs because of one thing- I'm not giving enough time to God. For some reason this week I've practically stopped speaking to Him, asking Him or even concentrating on Him. It's almost like I keep forgetting that He is with me. Always. Even on my day off, sat in my pajamas on my laptop, drinking a cup of coffee, He's right here with me. So why do I keep pushing Him to one side and saying 'I'll talk to you later, I'll pray to you later, I'll put it on my to do list'?

 Did you know I actually have a to do list now?! I wake up each morning with a whole handful of tasks to complete. My mind would get so scattered that I needed something to keep me organised. 

I honestly, whole-heartedly write on my to do list: 'Read my bible' or 'spend time with Jesus.' I'm writing this to remind myself in black and white how bad that is. Because in those few seconds of me writing that...I could be speaking to Him. 

So let's say I'm sat having a coffee with Jesus. What would happen? Well, like with most of my friends that I go for coffee with, I'd tell them about the important parts in my life, and then they tell me the important stories happening in their life...

So I'm sat facing him, two hands wrapped around my mug. So, why don't I do that with Him? I should tell him about my week, my month, my worries.

So what next? Well, my 'coffee date' would probably then offer me some advice, a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand.

Ring any bells, Alice? 

Jesus can do all of those things and so much more. 

But what would Jesus actually tell me to do?

I think he'd tell me to stop noticing everything around me and start doing. I have an interesting habit of being very aware of people, moments, problems, situations and not actually doing anything about it. 

Since Soul Survivor I've started to be so much more aware of my heart. I no longer try and blame others for a problem and instead search through my own actions. The problem is that, yeah, I can find so many things that need changing...but I don't actually get up and do it. 

I think Jesus would tell me that life only starts once I stop sitting around and expecting Him to do it all for me. He'd tell me that I'm stronger than I think I am, and that a selfless heart is a wonderful heart. So maybe that's what I need to aim for...

This blog post is my way of reflection, to show the world that it's time to do and not just to expect.

I forget that Jesus isn't just my teacher and my saviour and my comforter...He's my friend too.

So my challenge everyday this month is to start my morning with a cup of coffee, with my bible and notepad in front of me. I'm going to start reading through the Gospel, spending time on daily devotions and telling Jesus everything, asking Him questions and just letting His love wash over me.

'Life begins once Jesus becomes the reason you live it' 

and what a beautiful situation to get yourself in...living for Jesus.

Moldova

So I'm back.
I did it.
I actually went and did missionary work for 10 days in a country with a lot less, and yet a lot more than my country.
I couldn't decide whether each second was a second I enjoyed, felt challenged by, or maybe even felt afraid by. But what I do know is that for every little second of those 10 days, Jesus was always there. I felt Him there in the midst of it all.

'As thy days, so shall thy strength be'

A saying never more appropriate. This quote is currently framed on the wall in my bedroom, a vintage picture I never truly wanted in my room, and yet every day for the past 5 years I have looked at it. I know it. Every colour, every detail and every word. Honestly, as every day passed, my strength managed to multiply a little more.

I started the week sat up in a bed, vomiting in a very sturdy Next bag, with just 3 hours sleep in 2 days. What a night that was! And through every stomach cramp and wave of cold sweats I was forced to ask God; 'Why me?! Why tonight?! Why now?!'  So as the vomit left my system, so did my will power. No wait...please don't click off the page in pure disgust...the story does have a happy ending I promise! I'm just getting to it...
Danielle Strickland describes our walk with Jesus through the imagery of how a monkey is caught in the wild (again, bare with me!) They take a coconut, drill a hole in the top, put a peanut inside and wait. A monkey smells the peanut, puts it's little hand inside and...oh...it can't seem to get it's little hand out because it won't let go of that peanut. You see, that monkey ends up going so insane at the idea of a coconut being trapped on it's arm that it eventually kills itself with the stress of it all. It just doesn't understand that life will be a lot better if it just lets go. It doesn't get the freedom it wants but yet it's so desperate to cling on to that peanut that it ends up having to die because of it.

 My life is that peanut inside the coconut. And I love my life a lot. I love the things that keep me comfortable, and for a girl wired with anxiety and regularly told to 'grow a backbone' by 99% of the people in my life, I need that comfort, that peanut to keep me sane. Unfortunately that coconut just wouldn't escape my arm. It kept taking away my freedom, it was the barrier between my walk with Jesus. So each time I vomited (sorry, last time I swear) or felt like my stomach was about to explode, or found myself feeling so weak I winced at the idea of getting up each morning, that coconut just wouldn't leave me alone. That's when Jesus gave me the instructions. He said 'Alice, let go of the peanut, let go of your comforts and trust me. Once you're free from that coconut I promise you'll be fine.'
So I let go.
And I really was fine.
'As thy days, so shall thy strength be'
I slept..I got up..I could breathe again. I started to tell men, women, children, teenagers about Jesus. I used my team as a safety net. We worked together to play games with the children of the village, visit families in their houses, pray for the sick, talk to the Mayor, pray with the non-believers & serve the church. We did talks in the local school about our own testimonies.  We started to make a difference. Our team were like a family...we had 3 translators, the church's Pastor and a few other helpers to add to the equation. And every single one of them would shine for Jesus. Every single one of them were such a blessing to be around.

As a team we experienced an earthquake, using a hole as a toilet, speaking through translator. By the end of the week we had around 60 children an evening who played games, heard stories from the bible and told us about their plans for the future. They were fantastic people with a world full of potential.
The men of the church/community have never actually had a meeting together, so when the men of our team set up a men's evening on the Thursday night we all expected what?... 2 men? Maybe 3?...We received 19 men. Most of which weren't even members of the church!
The point of this is that we all let go of the peanut, we let go of our old lives and all the insecurities that came with it and we let Jesus take over. We gave him the space to work miracles.
A particular highlight for me was a young boy from the youth. He had a rough past, his whole family did. This boy ended up going to church every week, praying everyday, looking after his mother and siblings. When he met us he was desperate to sing to us. He picked up an exercise book full of handwritten worship songs and sang us his favourite one. The translator told us the song was about Jesus's peace, and although we could not understand a single lyric, we understood exactly what it meant. Jesus is a wonderful king. Through that boys journey, he never left his side.

But the most wonderful part of the whole trip, that will continue to stay with me for the rest of my days, was the complete gratitude these people had for their lives. For every breath, every crop, every day, they were thankful. They didn't wish for anything more than their health and for their children's happiness. I suppose when all is said and done, that's what we all desire. What a messed up world we live in when the majority of people in this country, including myself, complain about the most inferior things. We are a part of the world practically oozing with indulgence. The latest gadgets, the fanciest houses, the ridiculous amount of option for what food we'll eat for dinner, what transport we'll take to work. We all live it. So imagine that being stripped away, every last bit of society...what are we left with? Our health, the food nature can provide, our family, our God.
 It made me realise in those few days how much God has already provided for myself and my family. I have everything I could possibly want. And the people of Brinza would say the same- God has provided for them. It's not always what we want but it's certainly what we need.



So, here are some snapshots from our life changing week in Brinza, Moldova:

The (pretty much) abandoned traintrack

My wonderful group of children (I'm in charge the sweets so that's why they're reluctantly smiling)

Our hosts...and their tractor

My talk to the school about insecurities and following Jesus

The church's harvest meal

The beautiful church

The typical Moldovan transport system

Dancing with the children

The mountain top view

House visit- notice the jumper they wrapped around me to keep me warm!

The most wonderful, supportive, committed team ever.

Thank you Brinza for your heart-warming hospitality and your shining hearts. 

Funny that I stepped off that plane hoping to change you and to teach you in some way. It turns out you taught me about change, blessings, a future and most importantly- Jesus.

God bless.

Three Things: A Season Of Change #2

1- A few Sunday's back we went straight from our churches to sunny Cornwall and spent the day with my mum's wonderful, wise, gentle and shining best friend. For some ridiculous reason, the weather decided to be superb. So we took all our troubles and blessings to the beach.
Last week was a difficult week for me. A week that I had never experienced until now. But something I've only just learnt about hard weeks is that healing is a sad but beautiful process. As I look around and see different people in my life dealing with their own battles, I somehow see Jesus beneath it all. I see him filling up every hole, every vessel, every nerve with something so valuable and overflowing; his love. And somehow my love for Him never seems to die down, it just shines through me. I want every simple thing to be the thing that gives me joy. Every blessing. Every moment.

2-  Where the doors are moaning all day long,

Where the stairs are leaning dusk 'till dawn,

Where the windows are breathing in the light,

Where the rooms are a collection of our lives,

This is a place where I don't feel alone

This is a place that I call my home....

This is a place that I call my home ....

This month marks the 20th anniversary of living in our home. This house has been and continues to be the most wonderful, cherished, safest, important home and a home I will go on to create for my own family. I thank God for every blessing, every memory and every moment in these four walls with four people that seem to be everything right in the world.

3- In just a few days time we leave for Moldova to work amongst the adults and children there. As I looked around the room on Sunday afternoon during our get-together, stood amongst small children, wives, husbands, parents and teenagers, I felt an overwhelming sense of disbelief at the thought of being chosen to do missionary work with such committed and beautiful people with such committed and beautiful families supporting them every step of the way. The words 'I'm not yet sure' and 'we'll see' being echoed around the room throughout the afternoon, because none of us have any idea how the 2 weeks will fall in to place and yet the one thing every single one of us have is a faith in God. We have a trust in our Saviour who continues to bless us in ways unimaginable. So, my next blog will be after this adventure working for a powerful and incredible God. I can't wait to see what he has planned for us! Your prayers and support will be greatly appreciated.