Three Things: A Season of Change #1

1) Autumn is here and days are getting darker, nights are getting colder and the Christmas countdown has well and truly begun. I sat in James' car this week and played the one and only Michael Buble Christmas album at full blast, letting out ear piercing squeals between each line. Of course, when autumn starts, so does the change in my wardrobe. Each year I find myself enjoying odd styles. This year: colours. A dark purple scarf that James had bought me from France, a knitted, patterned jumper and a long, dark brown, woolly cardie my mum had picked up from a car boot sale (my mum being the queen of anything vintage/second hand/treasure related!) a pair of Joules wellies with ribbons and my favourite pair of jeans because I truly believe every woman should have their very own favourite, most treasured pair of jeans that suit most, if not all occasions. All of this being part of my daily wardrobe. 

At this time of year, I found myself obsessing over: 'What is in fashion?' 'What will people find me pretty in?' 'What doesn't make me look stupidly skinny?' Now, the idea of looking a certain way doesn't cause me any great deal of stress. I'm so comfortable in who I am right now that the 15 year old me would hardly be able to recognise this behaviour! What's interesting is that my biggest insecurity leans more towards people's perception of me in other things- my blogs, my manners, my social skills, my intelligence. I ponder over; 'how well do I articulate myself?' as opposed to my physical appearance.

Slowly, I am finding myself reflecting on these insecurities and doubts that seem to be circling around my mind...I've chosen to place them in God's hands. My behaviour can only be challenged if I'm not using the Bible's advice as a reflection. If I'm being negative, I ask myself if Jesus would have that attitude. Am I showing Jesus through this behaviour? The beauty in that question is that it allows me to distinguish between the behaviour that hurts my soul and the behaviour that brings me closer to Jesus' grace. And every single time He does it again. He takes away each insecurity and replaces it with something far more valued: His love.

2) This week I went to see a wonderful movie called About Time with two old friends from school. Firstly, it was so lovely to be around not only people my age but people of the same gender for the first time in a long time. It's such a saddening realisation to me that leaving the school environment has meant I've very hastily left the 'school girl' behind. The movie starred the all-beautiful, all-famous Rachel Adams and Britain and Ireland's very own Domhanall Gleeson who plays a 21 year old tall, geeky, ginger boy. Without spoiling anything, the message in the film was how we should enjoy every second of every day; appreciating the few people in our lives that cause any sort of effect. The people that you can count on one hand, just enjoying every flaw, every laugh, every moment. This idea that even with the most simple life, there's always something to look at and examine every last moment. I've always been an over-thinker. But I truly, whole-heartedly believe that an over-thinker is a wonderful person to be. An over-thinker doesn't always get it right but my goodness the moment something bright happens, even just a two second sparkly moment, it morphs into a memory so printed onto your mind it never escapes. You soon learn the wonderful, beautiful, glorifying feeling of appreciation.

3) Since my gap year has started I've decided to find something challenging to do each week. This week I came across a children's book for Lent. The book gives you challenges to complete each day. From small things like: 'Tell someone you love them' to bigger acts like: 'donate food to a food bank' and 'visit an elder in a nursing home.' I flicked through and found some wonderful, thought provoking ideas. Ideas both for children and adults. So I did my research and discovered these 'random acts of kindness' lists that seem to go on and on with such simple yet effective ideas. So I wrote out a list and I aim to complete them as the weeks go on. I honestly believe that at the right time and the right place, it could do something so powerful. I've learnt that being a follower of Jesus isn't just about having a relationship with Him. It's the relationship you have with others that reflect Jesus. I know that isn't rocket science but it's so easy for any Christian, whether they are 10 or 80, to forget that. We're here to serve and sometimes serving can be done in the most simple but beautiful way.

Three Things

I tend to write blogs and get half way through the draft and give up. My points don't always link together or they start to drift off to another idea. I thought I'd do a blog with three things- three thoughts I've had this week. Three thoughts that involve a bit of everything I manage to store in my brain. Rachel Ford describes it as 'lying in bed after a long day' thoughts. The ones that stay in your heart, the ones with no great value and the ones that leave you hopeful.

Here are mine for this week-

1- After dedicating hours of my life over the summer to Big Brother, it has sadly but surely come to an end. Now I know many will judge me for this. I know. I'm sorry. But it will continue to have me gripped and fascinated at people's thoughts, behaviours and reactions. But as I watch each episode; I try to empathise. I actually pray. I pray for the people on the show. I ask God to fill them with his presence, with hope and with a sense of peace. I can't help but ponder over the types of characters that enter the show- the loud, unladylike Geordie girl. The opinionated middle aged woman. The football manager with a past. They all have their own story. But what baffles me is the audience's reaction to these people. They judge every move, every action and every story. The view point is 'they're being honest, they're telling it as it is...therefore I like them' but is that always the way to warm to someone? I can't help but question people's morals. They lose their temper and 'tell them how it is' and it ends up damaging the receiving end. And then I think- how sad that we live in a society where the drunken, over the top and 'out of the ordinary' behaviours are the ones that win the crown. Charlotte, the recently crowned winner actually proved a whole different side to her. She showed the public her kind heart. She knows she gets it wrong, but she carried on trying. I respected that. After these housemates leave and start their life again on the outside, I look at their twitter pages and see the hysteria of these teenagers that look up to these characters and dedicate their whole social networking sites to them. They make collages, send countless tweets about how they have 'saved their life'. I can't help but worry about the type of role models that appear on reality TV. What do they stand for? What do the people idolising them stand for? You look at the Olympics and you see people worldwide that have worked and trained and motivated themselves to compete. That's such a healthy role model. I know I sound about 70 but I'm ok with that. Its so easy for these young people to say 'that celebrity saved my life!' Without really knowing their heart and their life away from the camera. That celebrity has their own battles to face, flaws to work through. I know celebrities can do many wonderful things. I mean my love for Tay Swift grows stronger every day! But honestly, my role model is a man that took every flaw and battle to a wooden cross and died a horrific death for me. HE saved my life. In every way imaginable. And despite my own flaws and battles and mistakes- I hope with all my heart that I can be a role model to my children. That they walk each day proud of what they are and what they stand for. I hope Jesus's love shines through me and reflects in their hearts. 

2- After spending 3 weeks feeling very lost, low and out of routine, I have FINALLY began to find my feet now that I'm starting my gap year. I'm beginning to feel so much more settled without having a school to go to (for the first time since the age of 3!) I'm finally feeling a little bit more confident in the prospect of having a whole future or prepare and plan for. Jesus has already started opening little doors and people are showing such wonderful kindness. Friends from church and my old schools are suddenly showing such random acts of love and generosity. It's such a blessing to know that you are loved, accepted and never alone. I can hear Jesus's voice in my head saying; 'Get back up, stop moping and feeling sorry for yourself, we've got work to do!' How wonderful that he's never left my side.

3- Moldova is rapidly approaching. How terrifying. Today as I had 20 children running around me playing 'bull dog' (I helped lead one of our church Sunday schools today, you see!) It made my heart flutter at the thought of being surrounded by children a lot less fortunate that will feel so blessed to have our love and support and company. I hope God takes away my fear and just speaks the words through me. I hope they find his love in our company and our hospitality. I feel like such a failure. I say 'what is a girl like me going to do? Who am I to spread the amazing news of Jesus?' And then I remember the many other failures throughout time that God still loved unconditionally and gave them such an important and sacred job to do. I remembered my previous blog post 'Boundless' about God being able to 'use the failure but not the quitter.' He's a God so perfect and yet so trusting in us. In me and in my ability to do the one thing I try hardest at- following Jesus, following his word and being a witness to others.

Here's to another week of thoughts, moments and experiences.
Until next time...

Identity

I've spent the past 24 hours of my life finding myself enthralled at the thought of what Jesus might look like. Ok, there's a sentence that screams out 'I'M SO WEIRD'. You see, when I get a thought in my head all I can do is reflect on it and analyse every angle and idea until I get bored and move on to a new exciting thought. So this was today's thought. Now in life I've learnt to turn to two things when I'm in need- the first is God. Of course. That's not a shock. The second is Google. Oh to be a child of the 21st century! So I opened up my Google app whilst sat in the pub with my favourite people and I typed in: 'an accurate image of Jesus'.
This is going to sound horrendous but I was rather disturbed by the photo that came up on my screen. How could that be Jesus?! This man looks like the sort of person you'd see as a mug shot on BBC news! So, like in my previous blog, I did the thing I'm pro at doing- I turned to Joel in a panic. I just panicked at the thought of Jesus actually having a face and hair and arms and legs. And as usual Joel turned me to the one thing that has any certainty and truth- the Bible. The part in the bible where Jesus was arrested and they couldn't even distinguish him from the other disciples because of how average looking he was.  

I just can't help but find that concept fascinating- Jesus being average looking. He saved our lives. He died for us. He leads up. He embraces us. Jesus is the biggest and most influential history maker of all time...and yet he's average looking. I know I live the life of Jesus and base my whole morals and lifestyle around Jesus; but the thought of Jesus actually having an identity is something so obvious and yet so hard to understand.

Identity is a beautiful thing. For every time I look in the mirror and see an imperfection that I wish wasn't there I think about my self-worth and my self-value. I used to spend hours just wishing I wasn't so skinny or so pale but not only does God constantly lift up my confidence, he tells me about my self-worth. He rejoices in my smile when I worship because those are the times that I'm lifting up his name. God has sewn in a value much more precious than the concept of vanity- he gave me life. He gives me this smile on my face whenever I wake up in the morning. He somehow manages to put a bounce in my step because of his complete adoration and sacrifice. Jesus was beautiful because of what he did not because of his appearance and through that we shun away vanity and show beauty in a much different way- through Jesus's love. For every girl that sees something negative in their reflection- try and see the light shining through you from God. Your life and your talents and your motivation gives you this shine, this beauty. Jesus embraces that every single day because it's you. 
In 4 weeks time I'm about to head to Brinza, Moldova and teach many young girls about this concept of self-worth. To tell them that Jesus sees a beauty inside them that can never be destroyed. Through every second I'm there I will remind myself of what Jesus looks like and how he destroyed vanity through his goodness and mercy.

If you would in any way like to donate to our missionary trip to Moldova this October then please do. It would mean so much to our team and to the people that need to know about God's boundless love. Here is the link to our page- https://my.give.net/moldovamission2013

And remember- no matter what the media says or what another human being says; you are beautiful, valued and worthy.