Dear 14 Year Old Me

Dear 14 Year Old Me,

If I've learnt anything from leaving school and being forced to grow up into an adult, it's this-

The mass amount of eyeliner isn't fooling anyone. Nor the backcombed hair to make it look thicker than it really is. You have thin hair, you will soon embrace that. 

People won't like you. That will continue throughout every age. Learn how to stop pleasing everyone and learn who loves you most. 

Jesus is a wonderful comfort and healer. Stop using boys to fill the gaps. Ask Jesus to make you feel wanted, and trust me- He's better than any indie, skinny jean-wearing, gelled hair loser. 

You are enough just as you are. Stop trying to be like the other girls. Uniqueness gets you far, trust me on that.

A fitted bra is an essential. 

Your flaws aka being too skinny doesn't define you or have any ownership over you. Stop letting the demons weigh you down and start letting Jesus lift you up high. You look fine. Your mum will tell you that even when you're 18, rejected from one too many drama schools, and travelling back on the 10pm train crying. She means it. 

To Do lists are a wonderful thing.

Your sister is gold. Use her always and enjoy her while you can (she goes on to be a doctor and is wonderful at it)

Your love for Taylor Swift doesn't die...yes you will find yourself singing into a hairbrush to her songs throughout teenage years. Embrace it. She is the queen after all (sorry to all Beyoncé fans)

Yes there is such thing as a mini cheese grater.

One day you'll leave the house bare faced, in an oversized hoodie, in a rush, with things flying out your bag and half a slice of toast hanging out your mouth. And you know what? That's the you that you'll enjoy being. No fitted dresses, orange face and insecurities. Try and find that girl now- she's content and loved.

Go easy on teachers. They are human beings and just trying to earn a living. Being cheeky and giggling will only cause them an early breakdown. Thank them. Enjoy them and above all LISTEN to them. They are wiser than you think.

"When will I ever need to know this in real life?!" Girl you'd be surprised. Really.

Anxiety doesn't have to control you.

Love your parents, even when your mum is marching you upstairs to remove your face paint aka makeup. They adore you and will provide great love and support at your lowest moments.

A smile is the most beautiful thing you can own.

You are more loved than you think.

The real world is hard. Enjoy being in the governments protection and not having to pay for the dentist.

Tax is a real thing and it's hideous.

Love everyone. Even the rubbish people. Love them with your whole being. Forgive them for absolutely anything. See them the way Jesus sees them and you'll find a freedom in your heart that no one can ever give you. 

Make patience your friend.

No you don't lose spots once your 18. The horror continues. 

Drink lots of water. It heals you more than you think.

The Jonas Brothers do eventually split up- but that's ok. You get through it after a lot of tissues, cuddles and the realisation that they're lamer than you think.

Celebrate your good health- others aren't so privileged.

Finally, go easy on yourself. Take deep breaths and enjoy who you are and what you're going on to be. Embrace rejection, humiliation and standing out. Disown insecurity and guilt and allow Jesus to take over. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Now get a wet wipe and put on some Taylor Swift...you've earned it.

From Older You

The Sketch Pad

I feel embarrassed. 

I'd say that's my biggest confession to date. I feel embarrassed in not just a 'oh I did something silly' kind of way. I feel embarrassed about the situations I've been in recently, my face, my appearance, my personality, my age, my blogs, my experiences...I feel embarrassed for being me.

So yesterday I sat with Libby, my church's worship leader, who has baptised me and has mentored me throughout these past two years. I sat with her and started to unpick everything I was feeling. I began to notice what was truly weighing down my heart, what was stopping me from feeling contentment in myself.

 I discovered that the real battle is me.

I took up to doing something challenging for lent. Two things: Open Doors' 'Live like a North Korean' challenge and 40 acts. One challenges me to pray, live and reflect on the persecuted Christians, the other challenges me to reach out to the people around me. Two things I felt a longing to do. 

Today's challenge (for 40 acts) is this-

Toolbox. Write down all the experiences, talents, skills, relationships, personality traits etc. you have to add to your toolbox. I thought 'oh hear we go' but as I started to write...I started to notice...

Confession: I've been reluctant to blog and to write recently. I start typing a post and quickly hold down the backspace button. I just can't find the right words to say, I can't help but feel useless and stupid and unworthy all rolled into one.

So last night at church, after spending a day praying, reflecting and healing, I thought I'd pray for something else- "Lord, help me with my writing. I'm feeling stuck and I need you to solve it" and sure enough the most cliche thing to ever take place- I dreamt last night about opening an email, a comment from a woman on a particular post, showing kindness and encouragement. 

The chains of 'humiliation' began to break. Jesus took away the pride that had be gripped.

So as I sat with Libby, she said just a few words to me "you are so precious" 

...and it was all I needed to hear. 

Now my 15 year old Godsister, Ellie posted a video. I didn't get chance to watch it, so God tried a second attempt, and I received an email from 40 acts with this video attached. It's the Dove commercial. What a perfect time to watch this video as I metaphorically crawl into a hole of self-hatred.  

http://youtu.be/XpaOjMXyJGk

I began to cry as I watched the women realise their beauty. I watched in wonder as they began to crawl out of the self-hatred hole and see what others see.

Then God said something to me: "you might feel embarrassed by who you are, but the people around you never will. I never will"

I hope that if others were to draw me or describe me, I'd see things I never would have known about myself. And as God draws me on His 'creation pad' He never focuses on the 'flaws' that I've stupidly created in my mind, but the way my eyes light up at the topics I'm so passionate about, or the way I do certain things right. 

So I write this blog with a bit of insecurity creeping through the gaps, but in the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139) but I also write this blog in the hope that all who feel humiliation in their appearance and their personality- you are MORE beautiful than you realise. You are more cherished than you think. 

"You are so precious."