Life's Ladder

At my baptism last year I received a card. This card said something I never forgot. It said 'following Jesus is NOT easy' and I knew it to be true. I did. I just didn't know when that sentence would cripple me. It's happened, 11 months later.

I was in a some what 'honeymoon stage' with Jesus back then. I was floating on clouds as I twirled around declaring 'Jesus is Lord'.

I have now fallen to my feet, to the cold hard ground (to quote my beloved Tay) because the truth is I have been obsessing with who I am and what my intentions are and what my future entails that I've let go of the meaning, of the punch line, of the harsh reality. 

Something caught our eye last weekend in Bath. It wasn't the ENDLESS amounts of beautiful shops, although they were pretty spectacular! No no, it was the Abbey. Not just the Abbey itself, but what was sculpted on the front- a ladder leading up to God, and angels climbing up to Him. 

It got me thinking...even a masterpiece created hundreds of years ago STILL symbolises our church. Everyone desperately getting closer to God. One step ahead, two steps ahead, seven steps ahead. You'll see where this is going...

It's clear to me that I am in constant battle with myself. The expression 'I'm my own worst enemy' has a whole new meaning.

Jesus works in my heart in a strange way. Classic J. He starts churning it (just like my doctor tells me my stomach is 'very active') my conscience starts to stir. I start to feel feelings I want to dissolve and then Jesus says 'well go on then, ask for my help' and I suddenly ask with a humble heart and a humble mind.

The parents and I just watched 'Now You See Me'. After the first half an hour it was utter crap. It started to become a story about how the film company and playwrights can out-smart themselves. The theme of this codswallop was how, no matter how much the FBI (aka the good guys) thought they were on top of things, the magicians were always one step ahead, two steps ahead, seven steps ahead. Throughout the film they just kept trying to be a little further, a little more in front. And as the movie became so farfetched the novelty wore off. 

But there's my life. Right there. Right in that brief (and terrible) synopsis. My life is being one step ahead of the person sat opposite me as I desperately try and think of the next question to ask in a small talk situation. My life is being one step ahead of the people I don't understand. My life is being one step ahead of God, and that's not ok.

On our fridge we have Queen Victoria's famous quote "it's not important what they think of me, but what I think of them." I take my metephorical hat off to her. We obsess with ourselves to an extent where we forget others are too busy dwelling over their own insecurities. 

I got cross about something that happened recently that completely humilated me. It really did HUMILIATE me. I felt angry and abused and unworthy. It wasn't until I overhead one of the people in on this 'humiliating act' start talking about their health problems. Suddenly in a lightening-bolt moment the phrase 'be kind, because everyone you meet is facing their own battle' stopped me in my tracks. Truthfully, I get so caught up in my need for righteousness that I quickly forget that. 

We are ALL desperately trying to be one step ahead when climbing the ladder to freedom. Christian or non Christian. That's where we are. Climbing, falling, climbing. And as we go along planting clues and exalting ourselves, we forget that we're all in the same position- clinging on desperately to the bar that holds our status and to where life has taken us. Look around you. We're all in battles we can't seem to escape from. Battles with ourselves, with our families, with our colleagues and with our God.

But we have to stop persecuting everyone that stumbles on the rungs and does something foolish. We can't keep blaming everyone for mistakes whilst the demons of ours are weeping on our shoulders. Let's stop desperately putting ourselves on a pedestal of greatness, but let's also stop switching to a dark dungeon of self-disgust.

Our battle continues....

So, put down the sword. Put down the shield. Use Jesus as your willpower to keep climbing the ladder to freedom. He's NOT easy to follow, not by a long shot, but he's THE most powerful weapon.

I Wanna See You Be Brave

My sister is obsessed with an artist called Sara Bareilles. She forever has her feisty lyrics echoing through our house when she's not at the other side of the country training to be a doctor. She constantly says to me "Alice, you'd love her!" As I reluctantly roll my eyes and continue watching season 3 of New Girl. 

But she one day showed me a video of hers. It was called Brave and it instantly caught my attention when I saw the artist in a FABULOUS spotty shirt, trouser braces and dip dyed hair. I thought 'oh here makes a change from some pop star's breasts hanging out'

So I continued to watch...

I've had to be VERY brave these past few weeks. That word makes me sound like a 7 year old that's about to get an injection at the doctors- "you were a very brave girl" but I still stand by the fact that that saying is always very vital growing up. 

Being 'brave' doesn't just end when you start changing shoe size and learning a few bad words. It doesn't just grow as you stop crying at a grazed knee (because if I ever get a grazed knee, I guarantee I WILL be weeping) no no that's not a reason to be brave. 

You're taught as a tiny girl/boy that being brave is when you don't cry at mondane things. I don't agree with that. Not now. Crying isn't a sign of weakness. Being brave starts when you don't give in to peer pressure, when you get rejected by the cool girls and you carry on sitting in the same class as them. Being brave is when you face an adult who has no social etiquette and terrifies your well being so you find the right strategies to get you through the day.

You don't really get taught that much. Our government's more concerned about teaching young people some stupid, unnecessary triangle equation. Round of applause to our education system.

So when I took the very 'brave' decision to spend a year working, auditioning and learning about the real world, I had no idea that bravery was a VERY vital weapon to have in my pocket. 

I have had some moments in these past 6 months where people have honestly made me feel like I was THE most inadequate being. I've had adults cause me to cry in church toilets, I've had people cause me feelings of anger that I've never quite felt in my tiny blood vessels. I've had such unjust situations take place that have caused my whole well-being to crumble. I've been in a work place where I felt so left out of a 'team' that I wanted to grab my coat and never look back. 

So as an 18 year old girl, who has committed my life to following Christ and for some unknown reason wants to go into THE bitchiest, most unsympathetic & most judgemental industry, how do I cope with that? 

I think in life there are two options- let it destroy you or let it motivate you. I pick the second option every time. 

I shared my testimony to a group of wonderful young girls last Saturday. I felt God stopped me from looking at my notes and instead used the Holy Spirit as my prompter. I began telling them about how heart-shattering growing up in a group of girls can be, I watched them nod away as I continued my tales. 

You know the one thing I felt God was physically forcing me to tell these girls? Can you guess? Courage. Standing out. Fearlessness. 

So I played them this music video, the one in which my sister has been nagging me about for ages, and a roomful of smiles and tapping feet took place. 

I don't need to tell you that life is a truly terrifying place to live in, but I wish more people told me. I'm so fed up with people having some power under their belt and using it to feed their pride or ego or deeper...their insecurities. I now understand the saying 'count your blessings'...that couldn't be more vital. School is just the very first part of the journey, the real challenge takes place once you step out your bedroom and take on responsibilities. 

I think I sit here with the haunting knowledge that life, unfortunately, doesn't get much easier than this. Bravery is something you earn, but a humble heart has to trail alongside it. 

So dear friends, I continue on my quest to find true courage, wherever that may be or whatever it may feel like. But I'll start by holding my head a little higher and continuing to find the right moment, and the right outfit, and the right mindset to maybe, just maybe, be a little braver. 

MUSIC VIDEO ALERT....

http://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4

 

One Year Anniversary

It's been a year since I started writing this blog.

I remember sitting on my bed feeling like I had so many emotions sitting on my shoulders, weighing down my well-being and with nothing to do about it. So I prayed, stumbled across a blogging site and began typing. 

I've typed ever since.

On a train, at 2am, sitting in a cafe, in an audition waiting room, everywhere. 

You know 90% of what I type are the things I can never truly articulate in person. The amount of unwritten letters I have piling up my 'drafts' for the people that I'm too afraid to speak to face to face. The things I'm so desperate to say but can never find the words or the courage. So I type, I create these words that somehow become a story, a theme or a long note, and suddenly I feel a little better. 

I think if my blogging has taught me anything it's that firstly, it takes A LOT of time, but truly it has taught me about the beauty of having a voice, having some sort of say in society. 

For me, you can look at social networking I'm two ways- evil or good. I pick the second option every time. The thought of anyone reading a blog post of mine is a magical feeling. I can press 'publish' and never know who it's going to be read by. 

Whether I anger people with my beliefs, inspire, cause humour, it doesn't phase me... It builds me and moulds me. 

It fascinates me that we live in a world where feelings are so bottled up and locked away, almost like they are the demon to our livelihood. Someone said to me recently that they enjoy 'keeping their feelings secret' which is fine, but I argue that protecting your emotions is like putting a barrier up to protect your pride and your vulnerability. Sometimes it's vital, other times it's a burden. 

There's so much 'hard to get' churning up our romance and spitting it out. It saddens me that being spontaneous is seen as a weakness, that honesty is laughed at. What ever happened to the old fashioned days where dates and letters were so valued?! I feel like I'm a young women in a society where my feelings count for nothing. 

Why can't love be the WEAPON?! Why does our world decide that evil and pride are the forces that have control? We are so mistaken with the concept of love. It's so powerful. SO powerful. 

There's such a beauty in words. Look at songwriting, for example. Music is the hope and motivation for our society. Through every genre, every artist and every topic, people are inspired and moved by what they hear. The music industry is filling up and exploding due to its massive popularity. 

People constantly echo this saying- "I never told them how I felt about them" so they live in the constant regret of choosing pride before emotion. I recently wrote some cards to people, telling them everything I feel about them, in the hope that they'd forever remember what I said. 

But maybe it's about time I put down the laptop and start using my vocal chords to express my feelings. It's a struggle for me to move away from the 'letter in a bottle' effect that I live by. 

Jesus never EVER had a problem with words. His words are what changed the course of history. He brought this love into the world and made it into the most powerful force. He didn't hide behind, He stood BY it. 

If I can challenge just one person through my blog, I'd challenge you to start wearing your heart on your sleeve and start living the life the way it deserves to be lived- through belief, hope and having a voice. 

Thank you to the people who actually have an interest in the words that I type and the beliefs that I feel. It's been an emotional year, but a year that I cherish and delight in.