Expectations

The title of this blog is quite simply just that. Expectations.

I have a few expectations in my life. Just to name a few- I expect each of Taylor's albums to produce something so profound, breathtaking and enchanting that I'm lost for words. Ofcourse she never disappoints. I also expect my cat to feel 9 out of 10 excited to see my face whenever I walk in a room. Again, she fails to disappoint. I expect a Mc Donalds to always cure my heart (not in the physical sense...it will probably be the cause of my death...rebuking) and Woodlands Adventure Park to STILL be the place that causes happiness and joy in my soul. 

But this kind of expectation is something I'm very rapidly and painfully learning as a girl thrown out into a pack of women, men, employment, auditions and 'the real world'.

The type of expectation that eats away at your faith in humanity, but also your faith in individual people. 

Quite honestly, I'm ashamed to say that I get fed up with humans in a lot of situations, and as my dad spends his life telling me that 'life is unfair' I'm beginning to reluctantly nod along with that statement. It really is. But what really causes my blood to boil is how much I WANT and NEED from humanity.

So one day I got all angry about it and then God introduced to me the best bloody quote I've heard all year (and no it isn't a Keep Calm one because I utterly detest any Keep Calm quote) it's this-

"Never feel disappointed in someone who doesn't know your expectations"

How can I feel a sense of disappointment and injustice in a certain individual or situation when my expectations haven't been made clear? 

I mean what did Jesus expect when he spent his life picking up the pieces of every broken person he came across? He expected one thing and one thing only- God's overpowering love and compassion to take over people's hearts. 

If anything that's the main expectation God has for any of us- to introduce humanity to the untameable spirit of Christ. 

And when I think about it thoroughly, God provides us with a few other expectations too- the expectation to pray for everything and anything that crosses our path, to not lie or steal or cheat or dishonour or disrespect. To love and smile and welcome and approach and believe and trust and understand and empathise. 

God so clearly states His expectations throughout time so that we are AWARE and IN PERFECT UNDERSTANDING. 

 

Something wonderfully-humbling happened to me last week through my lack of expectancy...

Last week I stood surrounded by very beautiful, quirky individuals as we fought like wolves to just get noticed at this audition. So it was my turn to go into the panel, as I sheepishly moved my hair behind my ears and readjusted my bra and other items of clothing. I began with my Shakespeare piece- Katherine from Taming of the Shrew (who reminds me of myself in so many ridiculous ways: stroppy, stubborn and opinionated) I reluctantly gave the panel any sort of eye contact in the fear they were A) asleep or B) laughing at me. So thus followed my second monologue and a brief interview in which I responded to a question using the word 'splendid'...pardon? 

I knew I was in for the bitter-sting of a rejection as the shortlist made an appearance. I fearfully elbowed my way through the crowd of thespians to see a blank space where my name should be...

And there it was. 

Alice Goble. 

Recall.

I ran, like I've never ran before, to the toilets in which I phoned my mother in a hysterical panic at the realisation that my expectations were never met...they were created like a beautiful masterpiece to simply knock me off my feet. 

I then took part in the 2nd round, AND then put through to the 3rd round, to finally get myself to the final round (which will commence in March) and through every second of that day I thanked Jesus for being the most loyal, perfect and trustworthy man to ever walk this planet. 

I find that if I don't expect things, I don't feel the consequences. If I turned up to that audition awaiting a recall, how does that make me anymore superior to the other candidates? How does that help my journey as a young woman in Christ? 

So my next (rhetorical) question is this: how can we as a society put all our hopes and vulnerability so carelessly into the hands of people who haven't even earned that responsibility? Let alone the people who HAVE earned it but equally can't always be in full control. We are all flawed human beings at the end of the day. I can't keep expecting things in return.

I'm not talking about asking someone how they are and expecting a response, that would just be damn right rude. I'm talking more about people's friendships, time and feelings. 

The point of this blog is that, no, I don't have the answers for how to prevent disappointment, particularly with expectations standing in the way. But if my bible and my faith have taught me anything it's that my expectations in Jesus will NEVER be left out in the rain, they will always be very VERY clear.

Thank you God for being the one source that can take my expectations and create them into a masterpiece. YOUR masterpiece. 

January Blues

I've gotta be honest with you- this month has been a really weird, annoying and MISERABLE month. Oh my word if I see one more 'how to manage your post-Christmas debts' article in my life I'm going to fall to the ground and curl up in to the foetal position. Yet another thing to thouroughly look forward to in my older age. Debts. Money. Bills. Morgage...

I have to say that these past few weeks, maybe even few months, have been like walking up a very slippery hill of mud, pain and reality.

I've missed so many weeks of church I'm beginning to wonder if people even remember my name. I'm spending more time worrying about the dust on our shoe shelves at work, or worrying about my next audition, or stressing over the amount of deadlines I have to meet, that I've forgotten about how to look after myself, and how to focus on God.

I'm in a whirwind of trying to keep everybody pleased. My colleagues, my family, my discipleship girls, I've now started to grow a phobia of trying to enjoy my life and the journey God has ready for me. I find myself being told what to do a lot, but never telling myself what to do.

I'm on a gap year where I'm honestly surrounded by old people (no offense), very serious married adults (again, no offense) young girls, children, Christians (who fall in to most of these catogeries) athiests, parents, glamourous women, my family etc etc.

And you wonder how on earth I could feel so isolated and lonely? I ask myself the same question!

I got shown a book recently about a black dog. A dog who follows someone around and stops them from feeling themselves, prevents them from feeling any sense of happiness or freedom. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about- depression.

It got me thinking about how underrated depression really is. How many people go through it silently and painfully. Now ofcouse I'm not in any way saying that I have this horrible illness, but I'm starting to understand the feeling of being trapped and uninspired. I'm started to notice a tiny black cloud above my head that stops me from enjoying my present and start anxiously awaiting my future.

I have a beautiful and blessed life. But most importantly a beautiful guy called Jesus who smiles at my stupid jokes and stands next to me as I furiously scrub off the dust at my work.

A few very unjust things have happened lately. Doesn't injustice really suck? It eats away at my well-being and takes over me like an explosion of red fury. People who haven't treated me the way I deserve to be treated, people who haven't given me the time and love I feel obliged to receive. So I got cross, said a few things in anger that I quickly took back, and I decided that enough is enough.
But then I thought of something even deeper-
 If we turn the tables, maybe the injustice is staring at me right in the mirror.

The fact I'm not concentrating on Jesus or my diet or my happiness. The fact that I'm allowing myself to walk down the street refusing to smile at people as I hurry past. The fact that I'm terrified to be in a crowd of people now incase I feel unapproachable or inferior.

I guess the saying 'practise what you preach' springs in to mind everytime I tell a young person to be kind or to listen to Jesus.

So it's about time I start putting on some mascara and socialising. It's about time I remove the demons sitting on my shoulders and the anxiety I have waiting for me when I gain consciousness, and start being my old self again...because I miss her.

Flaws and All...

So I'm sat in the hairdressers. It's busy. Lots of beautiful women scattered around like wasps to a pot of jam. A row of us sit and stare at our reflections as our very talented hairdressers snip away, desperately trying to style and perfect our every strand of hair.

I can't help but look at myself and feel so disheartened about my reflection. 

I know I've blogged about this a million times and used to think 'well now that I've gone through insecurities and prayed about my insecurities, I'll be fine.' No that's certainly not the case. They will always sit on your shoulders, attach themselves to your wrists and ankles. Insecurities and doubts and worries always make a re-appearance- but I've learnt that there are ways of handling it.  

A year ago I walked down the street a little differently. I used to walk with a bit of a spring in my step like something out of a sickly Disney movie. I held my head up whilst bouncing along to a Colbie Calliat tune. 

If I was to take you back to my school life, where my insecurities were so plastered across the walls I could barely see the paint work. I was full of self-hatred that I was forever stood on the outside whilst the pretty curvy girls, with the indie clothing and dip-dyed hair were giggling like a chorus of morons. I would watch. I would try and bend over backwards to look a little more like them and a little less like me.

So Jesus came along and He told me something wonderful- 'Alice, blessed are those who are cracked and let the light shine through'

So I started to walk with a smile, and sure enough each step I felt a little more at peace with myself. 

The mirror became my friend. My clumsiness was (surprisingly) tamed. My 'going red at any given moment' was embraced. So suddenly I was able to council younger girls, girls that remind me so much of myself at that age.

It's funny how, without even being aware of it, Satan gets in to the cracks and fills them with darkness.

So let's go back to my hairdressing experience. As I sat and read their endless supplies of women magazines, I noticed how every page was filled with women that I'll never be able to look like, and every page I turned was a constant chorus of 'your hair isn't as nice as her's' 'your body isn't as good as her's' 'your eyes aren't as bright as her's' so I closed it with haste, and began biting my nails in the horror that my insecurities are still very much there, and this time closer than ever.

The fact is everyone I know is so obsessed with diets and weight and faces and hair and noses and eyelashes and nails. EVERYTHING. So how am I supposed to escape this concept of 'vanity' when I practically eat sleep and breathe it.

I learnt a harsh but very honest reality about myself when I was 13 years old and complaining to my mother about the fact my bra was from the 'haven't quite gone past triple A' section. I learnt that I will ever and could never be like everybody else. That's it. That's my lifetime reality.

I will never be the girl to put pictures up of my buttocks hanging out or discussing the endless amounts of boys I made out with through my teenage years, because I never did that! Nor will I be the girl to get uncontrollably wasted and regret one too many things the next morning. I will always be the one that sits at a party admiring the choice of wallpaper, than stumbling in 10 inch heels. I  mean let's be honest, I spent 99% of my time in choir practice or singing in my hairbrush to Taylor Swift as a young lass.


But then I get to the question- why IS our society so bloody obsessed with being like everybody else?! Why do we live in a world of comparisons and 'upgrading'? Why can't we be our very own jigsaw piece that doesn't need to be bended into another shape to fit in- why can't we just embrace our shape, our colour, and the part of the picture we fit in to?

You know the FIRST thing I get told at any audition I attend is this- 'just be yourself' and I could never quite get my head around the fact that 'being myself' meant talking with a volume of 100, falling over/dropping things at any given moment, being overly enthusiastic about the most mundane things, a rubbish speller, a girl who still dances on my own in my bedroom to 90's dance songs. I'm a mess.

But what makes me a mess?! Who decides that I'm not good enough exactly the way I am? What does being sexy even mean these days?! Is it the size of my breasts or the size of my heart? Because option A isn't the one for me...so maybe the answer is confidence. Being confident is the sexiest, most beautiful and most sparkling thing on any young woman.

So yes I do turn up to my auditions being myself, whatever the hell that means, and sure enough
through my over-enthusiasm and clumsiness, I get recalls, I start to get noticed.

And sure enough I woke up this morning, after falling to my knees in prayer and asking God to get rid of this darkness weighing down my shoulders, and suddenly I felt bright again. I slipped on my new dress, stepped out the house and I started to get my walk back, I started to smile again- flaws and all.

So if I could challenge any young girl or middle-aged woman today; I'd challenge you to start embracing and enjoying the qualities that make you different to the other billions women on this planet. I'd challenge you to stop fretting about your weight gain, or weight loss and start realising that life is more important than a dress size.

But most importantly I'd challenge you to start feeling about yourself the way Jesus feels about you- and He thinks you're flipping perfect the way you are.

Start letting that light shine and sparkle through the cracks. Go on, I dare you.

Raise Your Voice

Before I start my blog post, I want to share a story with you. If this is the only part of this post that you read, then let me share this. I recommend anyone who doesn't care or like or know or want Jesus to watch this video, to listen to this story. You never have to think about it or watch it again if you don't want to- just do it. This is a man who found his voice...and not through breaking legs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL_UC8s8Dwg

 It's that time of year again when Big Brother makes an appearance on our television screens. I've mentioned this before in previous blogs- Big Brother has to one of my favourite reality TV programmes.

Reality TV has taken not just our society but so many countries by storm. Channel 4 have now earned a name for themselves through their endless amounts of documentaries. Whether it be babies being born, prisoners being released, different religions, different illnesses, schools, theatres, hospitals, and my favourite one being Gogglebox- a documentary about people watching TV. Just when you think television couldn't get any crazier!

But the reality is that we as a nation, as human beings, are fascinated by people. The people of our kind who live vastly different lives. We are gripped by people's well-beings, standards and boundaries. We use it as a platform to voice our opinions on their lifestyle, almost like a stadium full of empty seats where we can shout through the microphone what we believe.

We want to be heard. We want to be listened to. We want to have a voice.

So as I got myself comfortable, switched on the two big brother's I'd missed, I sat in amazement at just one man's voice.

The 'celebrities' were sharing their life stories, all competing with one another to see how outrageous and ferocious their own past could be. There were sex addicts, alcoholics, violence, newspaper articles, nudity for money...the usual. And after each story, the other people around them decided to clap, to actually applaud the 'celebrity' for their past mistake (or not so much a mistake judging by the look on their faces as they gloated in their tales.)
So up comes Jim Davidson- the man known for being a bit of a pretentious, opinionated so and so. And he stands there, telling them about his drug addictions, but suddenly he starts to talk about a 'greater power' 'a greater love' and I'm clutching my mug of tea thinking 'yes please say it please please'...and sure enough, he starts talking about God. Exclaiming that God's love is what saved him.

For all the years I've sat and watched shows like Big Brother, where boundaries and preservation are merely forgotten, I've never known someone to stand up and openly speak of God's love.

Then later on in the programme, Evander Holyfield, a very scary looking man who would quite easily take out all the housemates with one touch, confesses to being a Christian. He spent the evening reading his Bible, arguing against homosexuality, eating animals, nuclear bombs. And yet again, I clutch my mug of tea and shout 'DON'T SAY IT DON'T SAY IT'...and sure enough he did say it- accusing homosexuality of being wrong and a 'choice'.

So thus began the uproar from the general public. Campaigns of hate are being introduced virally. And again and again the Christian faith are being stereotyped and misunderstood through one man's claim.

Stephen Fry recently did a documentary on how gays are treated worldwide, and on the Gogglebox documentary (remember, the one where we watch people watching TV?!) the families sat and watched it stating that Christian's are wrong, confused and ignorant. Throughout the programme the church was being scrutinised and abused for what is written in the bible.

This blog isn't about being gay and our views on homosexuality because if it was I'd only need to write it in one sentence- Jesus adores everything about you, no matter who you are or what you stand for. The point is that finally our reality television is showing Jesus' disciples sharing their testimonies to the people that maybe don't want to hear it.

If men like Evander Holyfield, Jim Davidson and even pop stars like Jessie J can stand up and say 'yes I love God, he's saved me and this is why...' breaking all normality, then maybe our society can have their stereotypes ripped down.

I've said this before and I'll never stop saying it- Christianity is suddenly breaking these stereotypes and accusations through not just modernising but also through the power of the Holy Spirit. We're standing as an army and breaking down the walls of every reality television programme and the people that star in them.

Let's stop our faith from having a bad name chained to it because of topics like homosexuality, evil and injustice. Let's start standing up in a crowd and shouting out:
 'my life has been saved and this is how...'
'my chains have been broken off because of one man...' 


Because only one man's voice is powerful enough to change the world, but if we use a bit of His strength and wisdom, we can do it through him.

After all, Jesus has been and will forever be the greatest superhero in history.