The Bench.

The definition of Déjà vu: 'From French, literally "already seen", is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not.'

There was a bench that I sat on, two months ago, when feeling so lost and out of sync that I just needed to sit. So I sat on this bench, feeling like a complete weirdo- because who sits on benches these days just for the sake of it? Well that's probably a stupid question, but I just felt weird. No, I felt lost and I felt bitter- that's how I really felt at that moment in time. 

An old lady walks towards the bench I was sat on. She stops, pauses, and sits down next to me. 

In that blink of a moment I thought 'oh, here we go, one of those movie moments where she tells me something insightful and I start crying and my life makes sense again URGH.' 

No that didn't happen. 

She just sat next to me, let out a long sigh, and only our breath was to be heard. And just for a few minutes it was silent, but a silence that was peaceful. 'Calm before the storm' as it were.

Two months later, In a rush to my new job, I walked past that very same bench. And just like the first time, that very same old woman was sat on the bench, accept this time I wasn't next to her. There was an empty space next to her, almost as if I had disappeared from that moment.

So I stopped, and stared, (would like to point out it wasn't as creepy as it sounds) and for a short moment- it was just our breath to be heard. 

You know when I thought Jesus was about to plant an 'old lady giving wisdom' bomb on to my sadness that day? Well He did. But it took two months and 4 days to feel the impact.

It was literally like deja vu. It happened all over again.

How many times have I spent the past few weeks experiencing deja vu in so many random moments of the day?! I find it so strange and terrifying and magical all in one. 

This idea that you've already been in that moment, you've already experienced the sensations and the feelings, but suddenly it just disappears and you're back to the present. However, this time I was far from living in the past. 

Do you want to know the words I said to myself when I stopped and saw that old lady sat on the...no...my bench? 

I said 'look how much has changed.'

Suddenly whirls of realisation and stories began circling in my mind--

I got a new job, I did missionary work, I got my hair cut off, I was in charge of a christmas production, I found out what I wanted to do with my future, I gained experience, I learnt valuable lessons, I started auditioning, my life started changing.

My life went from nothing to everything in the space of two months and 4 days.

Imagine if that old woman knew how much had changed since that moment. Imagine if she knew she was a part of my story? Because just her presence was enough...it was enough to question my life, my future and what God is trying to teach me.

At the moment, everything is at 100 miles per hour each second of each day. I keep calling my gap year my 'learning about the real world' year because everyday I'm learning the harsh truths but also the glorious truths about the big wide world. 

Last month I had prayer for healing, healing emotionally and spiritually. 

And within hours, days, weeks, Jesus answered that prayer with a big fat YES. 

So I'll walk past that bench tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year.

I don't know whether I'll see that old lady again, but my challenge for next time is to talk to her, to befriend her, to tell her about the wonders Jesus has done and what He has taught me through her presence. 

Ps- the bench I'm sitting on in my photo wasn't actually the bench I'm talking about. But it is a pretty good bench. From my photoshoot with Paul Eaton- check out his website/blog: http://www.lighteternal.co.uk/alice/

Today...

'Shape me, mould me, I want to be more like you'

This is my prayer for this month, this week and today.

Today I decided that I want to be so shaped and healed and changed by Jesus that I can constantly tell people that Jesus is the reason I do the things I don't always want to do, to lift up his name. I want to be recognised as a young girl shining so much for the Lord that it's inspiring, it's wonderful, it's everlasting.

I want to live only for Jesus and do everything for the glory of His name.

Today I decided that my debts are so paid for that it's time to start praising, singing, smiling, laughing, because my sins no longer hold me back. 

The dead body chained to my arm has been released. 

My life has been saved.

My life is valued.

Let all the earth proclaim the Glory of God. My saviour and my true inspiration.

Magnificent kindness, you came to find us,

I turned around and you were there,

standing in Mercy, forever You've won me,

You taught my heart to sing again.

So when I stand before His throne, one day, any day, I will stand before Jesus and then in him I will be found.

Nativity, Fairylights and 1940's Dresses.

I took this picture at a SWYM (South West Youth Ministry) conference in Somerset last week. Claire and I whizzed up the M5 at 6.30am, with our slippers on, to be greeted by this wonderful view.

And as we spent the day discussing all aspects of youth work in schools, and Claire making me sound like I was some sort of youth worker superhero, I learnt some very valid things.

'God, tell me what you want to teach me today' I said several times as I reluctantly got out of my warm bed. So I think my half full notebook, by the end of the day, has a lot to say for that...

prayer = answered.

Now I'm yet to mention on my blog that this year I am running the Christmas production at my church. I couldn't decide what excited me more about this prospect- the tinsel, the carols, the cuteness, the acting, or the fact we're telling Jesus' story- let's say a mixture of everything. 

So as I frantically ran around the church yesterday at 4.00pm with fairylights wrapped round my neck/face/head and a stapler balancing in my mouth (impressive right?!) I had to thank Jesus for giving me such a wonderful role. 

I learnt so much from the conference that I was able to apply and create for my own rehearsals. The children were fabulous, their passion and gifts were also fabulous and the fact we managed to get 13 children surrounding a piano singing 'Little Donkey' at the top of their lungs caused a large amount of goosebumps but also a real sense of Jesus' presence and love in all of those children's hearts.

I sat the children in a circle and in the centre I put a lantern and then fairylights around the lantern. We switched the lights off and I asked them 'who is Jesus?'

We had many marvellous responses. My favourite being 'a man with lots of goodness' yes, absolutely. I then switched on the lantern and said 'this light is Jesus' light filling the world, but if Jesus is the light of the world, what do these fairylights symbolise?' I said switching on the fairlights and causing the children's eyes to sparkle with amazement (fairylights do have that effect.)

The most precious answer I got was a little girl who said 'well Jesus is so full of grace that we can't help but be filled with it too.'

And as the room filled with peace so did my heart. 

I got home that night thanking God for young people and for how much I delight in their gifts and enthusiasm. I then thanked God that he also delights in their gifts and their wonders.

I thanked God that I was a part of the Christmas story just by showing up and letting him say the words.

Tonight is theatre night. That's not actually a thing, as much as I would love it to be, but as a present for my dad (mainly for me) I'm taking us to see The National Theatre's production of People by Alan Bennett. Beyond excited to bask in the glory of theatre and acting.
This dress is my Great Auntie's dress from the 1940's. I wear it to any special event I can because when my Auntie was a teenager, she too wore it to any special event she could. I love the history that comes with this dress.
And again, there are fairylights. Oops.

Over & Out x

Typhoon Haiyan

Through tearless sighs, endless screaming and a desire to survive, there is a God who heals.

Through the loss a life, a home and a fading light, there is a God who rebuilds lives.

Tonight I light my candle for the devasting, saddening and shocking disasters in the Philippines. Children screaming out in pain, mothers dying, husbands losing their wives. 

Horrific.

But I believe in a God that comforts, loves and heals in times of need. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that as a disciple of Jesus, I am called to take action.

So tonight I light my candle for the victims and spend my evening praying and asking Jesus for a miracle to happen.

I light my candle with faith in the power of Jesus.

Jesus be at the centre of it all.

'Let them know, always let them know'

It's November, and as we Brits don't do any of this 'thanksgiving' malarkey, I thought I would take matters in to my own hand and spend this month really reflecting on the wonderful moments, people and experiences God has put in my life. As I sat in church today and sang the words 'be still and know your creator' I heard this overwhelming message from God saying 'be thankful' so thankful I will be.

Isn't it interesting how we waste so much energy and tears on the people that think nothing of us, the people that hold grudges, that dislike, and yet there are so many others that see me as a precious person in their story. 

They say 'to the world you are just one person, but to one person you are the world' and despite seeing that on numerous amounts of fridge magnets, mugs and Facebook posts (sorry if that's you guys & gals) the saying actually upholds a lot of meaning.

My dad once said something very wise to me. He said 'you should only be able to count your most important people on one hand.' He was right. Popularity no longer concerns me, my well-being is far greater.

There are more than just one hands worth of people to feel thankful for...

My mother being the main person to love me. She is my twin and my comfort all in one. She never fails to mention how much she delights in my character. She also never fails to mention when I'm wrong...but I think that's just a mum thing! And I'm greatful for that.

My wonderful brother who continues to remind me how much he values my confidence and passion.

My sister. Who is just the most precious girl in my life and will forever be the person I run too.

My daddy. The wisest, funniest and most loyal man. Other than Jesus. Of course.

My Uncle Matthew. He constantly loves me and supports me with my hopes and dreams. I love him a lot.

Emma. She will kill for me putting this picture up, eating a burger, but she is a woman I never thought would change my life as much as she has done. Everything she does for me reminds me that I am loved beyond belief. 

My God family. Unfortunately I can't get my God parents in this photo as they weren't there at the time, but I particularly appreciate this photograph. My God sister, Ellie is a very passionate girl who I will continue to love and support from the age of 3 till the age 1000000000. My God parents have always believed in me and always care for me in ways unimaginable.

My discipleship girls (who aren't all in this epic photo) but I thoroughly enjoy their smiles, stories and passion for learning about Jesus. They teach me so much and I see such potential in them. Also, Charlie, the leader, who is such a comfort and blessing to me through her knowledge and friendship. 

My church. Just to name a few of them (who aren't all in these pictures, typical) 

Claire (who is a massive inspiration to me), Hugh & Phil, Joel, Tania, Mat & Maria, Libby, David, Tim & Anna. All of them particularly invest a lot of time and love and wisdom in my well-being. I constantly see God working through them in my own life. 

So maybe I do have over 5 wonderful, loving and accepting people in my life. Each of them I will thank God for everyday. They will never know how much I truly appreciate them, but I thought this blog post would be a good start.

Art or outrage?

“It's impossible to say a thing exactly the way it was, because of what you say can never be exact, you always have to leave something out, there are too many parts, sides, crosscurrents, nuances; too many gestures, which could mean this or that, too many shapes which can never be fully described, too many flavors, in the air or on the tongue, half-colors, too many.” 
― Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

This morning I read something very disturbing about women rights. Feminism is such a fascinating and powerful topic. So many people have so many different views. Some women won't take their husbands name as it might take away their identity, others believe men should work and the wife takes on the 'housewife' role. The type of female rights that interests (and also concerns) me, is the content that is plastered on my television screen, in the magazines I read and with the people I associate with.
When I see my social media pages full of half naked young people, and then hear on the news of endless amounts of immoral acts towards women, it makes me question the impact young people have on our culture.

I know my last blog post was also to do with young people and being different when deciding to follow Jesus, but this is a subject a lot more sinister and has me totally immersed.

The Handmaid's Tale written by Margaret Atwood is a book that continues to fascinate me. I studied this book in English, during my final year at sixth form. It speaks of women's rights in a very post-apocalyptic setting, using one woman's story as the symbol of Atwood's belief in the destruction of our culture. There's a particular moment in the book that had me captured. A large group of women decide to take a stand on the theme of 'objectifying females' and burn every magazine, every book, every picture that discriminates against women's purity, rights and future. The outcome of this movement causes their world to go the opposite direction. Women are purely used as vessels for child birth. The teachings of the Old Testament are manipulated and therefore their teachings completely cut out Jesus' mercy and eternal gift for us.

I believe women's rights are something every young girl should be taught. Despite people's beliefs on the subject, it's something I will forever thank my English teacher for investing the time in and exploring on such a personal and emotional scale.

Now the big Miley Cyrus 'scandal' after her performance on the VMA's got me thinking. The world looked in horror as this young woman (who was once a child role model) started using the foam finger in very outrageous 'shan't be repeated' ways. And then when Robin Thicke wonders out in his flash suit and Miley starts dancing around him with no clear boundaries, again this got me thinking. Jameela jamil writes a very insightful article on this particular topic. Isn't it interesting how the best act that night as the beautiful Justin Timberlake- fully clothed, wearing a hat and scarf, and using musical theatre to really bring his hits to life. Of course I am biased because I hope one day he will marry me, but nevertheless, he was remembered for that performance.

When walking home from work last week, I was listening to an interview with Lady Gaga on a podcast. She constantly describes her music as art. 'Well it's just art, I really have to connect to my music, I don't do pop music, I create art' blah blah blah. Despite the fact her music sounds exactly like any other song in the chart, I actually have a lot of time for Gaga. She's a very articulate, intelligent and educated woman. Her music is very polished and creative. I very much value her opinion. However, when newspapers publish pictures of her in a night club, completely butt naked, when performing her new single, I question the message she's giving out to her audience. Perhaps I'm being too prude and too concerned. Maybe Gaga has got a very innocent and educational explanation for her performance that I'll never truly understand. But it plays on my mind. She lives off this motto that she wants to be different and show her 'monsters' (that's her fans) that it's ok to stand out. What a wonderful message to base your career and lifestyle around. So when asked about her outrageous performance she replies 'there's nothing to be shocked about. It's art. It's very natural to be naked.' Yes, yes it is. But that statement can also be very mistreated, undervalued and abused in this day and age.

The problem when being a role model is that you can't have it both ways. These women put out this image to the whole world that being half naked and grinding a fully clothed man is art. It isn't art. It's objectifying yourself. Ironically they use it as some sort of 'freedom' to be a culture where women no longer need boundaries. I get that. I love the equality this culture is very quickly grasping. However, is it allowing our generation to view the performance and think 'well if showing off your body/appearance is what makes you successful, I'll do it too' and therefore causing a culture with so little boundaries to become out of control.

Now I'm not saying any of these female artists are wrong or immoral. Of course not. I just can't help but feel very trapped in a society where pleasure and appearance comes first. Young women can't escape this belief. For every perfume advert or Linx advert, the littlest amount of clothing for women is practically expected. If you look at celebrities with tattoos- that's fine, it's completely their decision what they have inked on to their skin. But when young people see these tattoos and decide to have the design permanently inked on to their own skin, it makes you think- 'well what next? How much more can they be influenced?'

Now again I am about to sound as biased as they come- but wasn't Taylor Swift's performance on last weeks X Factor such a refreshing thing to see? She was fully clothed, wearing a black polo neck (wouldn't be my first choice of clothes, but sure) and singing about love (of course) with Gary from Snow Patrol. The week before on X Factor, Lady Gaga wore such little clothing I'm still pretty convinced they just found some old shells and tied it with string in order for her performance to actually be aired on national television. 

The point is that Taylor is very much aware of her role through her career- she inspires. But the problem with inspiring others is that there's suddenly a very fragile path in front of you. Every possible tweet, interview, performance, song, outfit, hairstyle is put on a massive billboard for every fan to see, with a heading above it saying 'this is acceptable'.

Now forgetting about women and my slightly feminist blog post- I know someone who inspires millions. This person thrived off being different. He is different in so many wonderful ways and it purposely wasn't for His appearance. It's for His kindness, acceptance, grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, hospitality and leadership. Any guesses on who I'm talking about? Jesus, of course. 

If you want a world that no longer participates in crimes such as rape, discrimination and murder- turn to Jesus as your inspiration. 

These stars are wonderful people. Of course they are, because someone died for them so that they have a purpose.
So I pray that they will be filled with a need to follow Jesus and use their talents, fame and wealth for the glory of God, so that every young person who witnesses these stars future performances, feels a overwhelming need to do the same thing.