Boundless

We have these magpie's outside my house that are truly the most annoying and ridiculous species alive. All they every do, all they ever know how to do is completely lose their temper whenever anything or anyone goes anywhere near their nest. So much so that they find themselves getting hysterical at the most pathetic thing- the wind or a leaf gently floating past them. And the reason I mention this is because behind this pure hatred for their constant noise and what can only be described as 'hysteria', there's actually something kind of beautiful and astounding about what they do. These magpie's are so filled with this protective instinct that the thought of anything harming or destroying their young, their creation, just forces them to attack and go in to this overload. 
Mother's are a beautiful creation from God. They protect in ways unimaginable. My mum would honestly put her life at risk to keep her children safe and she's always called this forceful reaction 'the mother lion'. This concept that a mother has been empowered with an instinct so strong and powerful it doesn't even need to be thought about- it's just built in. 
I've recently just returned from Soul Survivor and what a week it's been! Now, you have to remember I've come from a lifetime of churches filled with hymn books, Sunday school and formality so on the first night of Soul Survivor when we were 'absorbing ourselves' in the holy spirit and suddenly several people in this conference began to scream uncontrollably, my anxiety hit the roof. 

Danielle Strickland, an incredibly inspiring woman, speaks about this concept of God's boundless love for us. Throughout the week this image of an ocean, an untameable ocean has been the focus of the seminars and worship. She tells a story about running one morning and looking at the wild ocean in front of her and God says to her 'that's how much I love you'.

Do you know how many times in my life I saw God as this lamb, this gentle being, suddenly to find my naivety being ripped down and destroyed by this boundless love. The screaming and fitting and collapsing I witnessed everyday was something I had to witness to understand this fear of God.

My first reaction was to go straight to Joel, our youth pastor, who is someone I turn to a lot with my faith, whenever I have a question or a problem Joel's wisdom of the gospel has always been a comfort to me. And he turns to me and says these words 'God is an untameable lion but that power and fear is through love'....it wasn't what I wanted to hear but I believe 95% of the time God's words for you aren't what you want to hear. See, this is where this mother instinct kicks in. God's love is so boundless and wild and untameable but for all the right reasons. He is good. His word is good. It makes sense when you see mothers in complete adoration of their child, even their weaknesses. It's a powerful love and a powerful love that is a reflection of God's love for us.

A friend of mine turned to me and said 'Alice, God's given me this vision of a tiny flame and suddenly these flames start to spread, but they're all different colours; blue, red, purple. That flame is you'. Did you know that I've felt this tiny flame inside me since the age of 4 when I didn't push in the line because 'God wouldn't do that'. God's love has been drilled in to me, but not even drilled in to me- burning inside me before I could even remember. That tiny, burning flame this girl was talking about was God's boundless, wild, untameable love inside of me. That makes sense, right?! If the weak can be made strong, if the devil can be defeated, he can't be this little lamb that I see in my heart- he has to be the flame. Because God doesn't live next to you, or in front of you or up above you- he lives in you. And when the creator of heaven and earth is living inside of you he has to be this boundless God so that you can receive his salvation. Salvation comes from going above and beyond this 'gentle' concept of what God is, what God might be. He has to rip out the evil and fill you with goodness. Danielle tells another story about a conference she went to where she had been dragged to the ladies toilets because a woman in there had just collapsed. So she runs in and this woman is clearly dead but she hears God say 'pray over her' and suddenly as she prays this woman sits up and breathes in this massive breath. All the blue disappears in her fingers and her face and Danielle looks at this woman and just cannot process what has happened. Jesus tells us to go and heal the sick, raise the dead, show his unchanging love. He didn't care about his reputation or appearance, he just went and did it. Jesus is boundless and this boundless love is able to physically and emotionally heal people. I actually witnessed a man walk out of his wheelchair through prayer. I witnessed a girl who's contemplated suicide finally feel this fulfilment and peace in Jesus' presence. Only a powerful, wild and untameable love can do something like that, right? 

And you know what, my fear and nativity, as much as it is a sin and as much as it holds me back- God doesn't mind that I felt that way. He didn't mind that I found his presence to be fearful. God said to me 'fight against it' because he doesn't mind if his followers are broken and wounded and doubtful... just as long as we don't quit. Sometimes leaving the questions to God and being able to say 'I'll trust you' is powerful enough. 

I've learnt 3 things this week- 

1) when you're camping you must wrap up warm because it is cold and it will rain.

2) never underestimate the fear of God and God's pure adoration for his kingdom.

But finally, I have to let this flame inside me burn even wilder than I could ever imagine if I ever want a true relationship with God. I need to reject my fear instead of letting it become who I am. 
They say- 'God can't use a quitter to change the world but he can use a wounded healer.' So maybe that's what I'll be; a girl who will never stop failing but is serving a God who doesn't care about that. Who celebrates in my loyalty. A God who is mighty and absolutely, incredibly, completely and utterly boundless.

Always trusts, always hopes...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I couldn't understand why this bible verse has just been circling my mind these past few weeks. Of all the bible verses I read and hear and adore- this one has somehow been imprinted on my heart. So every time something happens that I find irritating or unjust, every time I feel doubt or fear or anger, that verse just echoes through my heart, my soul and my conscience.

Love is patient...

I've now started to do this thing where I annotate every little part about myself in the hope that there are things I'm yet to discover about myself now that I'm growing and maturing. So my very recent discovery is that I'm not a very patient person. People have always said to me 'time is a healer' and I thought 'well time takes too long' 

I hate the concept of waiting my turn. I hate the fact that things take so long to process and adapt and grow. But the worst thing is the fact that I have a whole year to be patient when gaining experience, trying earning enough money and travelling far and wide all around the UK in the hope that someone, anyone, sees just a little glimmer of potential in my eyes and offers me a place at drama school.

The history of our world has revolved around patience. I seem to forget that God presents a lot of patience for me...

So whenever I begin to lose any sense of perseverance suddenly the line- love is patient is just spelled out in my mind...and I stop. I stop everything I feel and try and show just a little bit of patience. For just a small second, I try.

Love always hopes...

Now something very wonderful happened to me last week in which I was put in a very pressured situation. I felt so lost and unsure. So as I do, I panicked. And suddenly that bible verse came into my head- love always trusts, always hopes. So I closed my eyes and prayed. 'Lord, please protect me in this situation. your kingdom come in this place' I open my eyes and within seconds a woman appears with this massive, gentle smile on her face. She just points out the thing I was looking for, helps me to resolve the problem and says the words 'don't worry, never worry, you're doing great.' And as she walks away she turns and says to me 'just believe in yourself'...Where did she come from?! What a wonderful wonderful moment in my journey as a Christian. I believe with all my heart that that was not a coincidence. I believe with all my heart that maybe, just maybe that was God speaking through her. It wasn't anything massive but in my mind it was the most clear and perfect moment. 

This week I got to witness God's wonders in so many odd ways. Right now I feel like I've been thrown in to the deep end with my gap year just around the corner and what feels like a million responsibilities for a girl that barely knows who she wants to be. Maybe this bible verse was given to me by God to save me from difficult situations. Maybe it was yet another miracle he has planted in to my week. I just don't know.

But what I do know is that God will always work little miracles in my life. Ones that save my life and ones that save others lives. I pray that I always go back to these bible verses and stories that I've witnessed when my life feels so intense.

As for now, I'm going to be patient, kind, trusting, slow to anger and most importantly- hopeful. That's all I can ever wish to be.

'To be humbled' my thought of the week

I'm stood in the pouring rain in the hope that the next car that comes around the corner is my Dad. As i stand here I have two choices: to accept what has happened and pray for grace, thoughtfulness and above all- to be humble. the second option is to show defeat and a deep sense of misfortune. I reluctantly choose the first option.

Something that dwells over me is this feeling of pride. 

So as I stand here, shivering, I have a thought: maybe being humbled is a beautiful thing. It teaches you to grow, to hold patience in your heart. It can strengthen leaders, parents, advisors. I've accepted that we live in an unjust world. But I think, in my mind, that that's ok. Sometimes the unjust helps you to shelter yourself from evil by building a tower of grace. No one ever said life is easy and yet it's something you face and battle through. I believe God built me to adapt and grow. I believe God adores every bone in my body, every moment of self-belief, everytime I choose to take a breath and choose the right option, everytime I smile or laugh or empathise or reflect. I then thought about leaders. People that lead a nation, a town, a congregation, a community. I believe a true leader is someone that values grace in all its forms. They rejoice in selflessness and are humbled. I thought: 'maybe that's the person I need to be. The person I want my children to be'

I hope I can teach my children to never have so much self-belief that they just can't handle defeat. That they can embrace God's grace and show it to others. Because i'll tell them that there's a time to wait your turn, there's a time that you'll be the right person for the right situation. But there's also a thousand times that rejection will follow you like a dark cloud above your head and it's then that you look at the unjust moment in front of you and somehow, you just turn away from it, turn to God and remind yourself of the person you are meant to be. 

'Whoever exalts will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted'

So I guess that right now this is just a tiny situation and a tiny thought in my life. I just hope that I can take this thought and use it as a gift. A beautiful gift. Because a reflective thought on a rainy afternoon can maybe, just maybe, turn in to a very powerful thing.