Here's to the Anxious Ones...

I am an anxious person. I'm the type of person who wakes and up goes to sleep always wondering what there is to worry about, what worry can I move onto, what worry can I create in my mind out of the situations around me...even the people around me. Our minds can deceive us, even our own voice and heart beat can be false, like a dagger in the gut. So, as human beings we learn how to build a life, brick by brick, through following that tiny voice inside that doesn't always make you feel like your falling down a dark pit. For me, that voice is Jesus.


We're never out the battlefield(quoting Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind) but you know something, everyday I wake up just a little bit different, with a little more change in my heart and little more strength in my spirit.

"Anxiety is for the creative ones" I've been told more times than I care to say.

So here's to the creative ones; to the people who choose to get out of bed in the morning even when it' so cloudy in their minds they can't see past the haze. To the people who tell themselves time and time again that there is hope, there are weapons to be used in every battle, big or small.

To the ones that have so many dreams, plans and bright pictures locked away in boxes that need to be released into a world that needs to see them.

Here's to letting anxiety be the drive to empathize with people hurting, to prepare for the things we can change, hold on to the things and people we love most.

For every fall let's dust ourselves back off.
For every cloud of doubt let's hold onto and clean up that one truth that is fogged up in the aftermath.

Because I'm learning my feelings don't have to control me anymore, not if I don't let them.
I have the shield, the Truth, a voice.

So here's to you, for being someone this world will always need, even on the days you'd rather have anything else but your very own mind.

I think your mind is beautiful, powerful and capable of doing phenomenal things.

Come As You Are.

It's been weeks and weeks until I last blogged. I've tried so hard to type and articulate my thoughts into sentences, just to find myself pressing the backspace button and closing my laptop. 

This week is 24/7 prayer at my church, so I took an hour out of my hectic, 'what am I doing with my life?' moments to sit and give it to God. 

I went into my prayer session feeling overwhelmed, lost, exhausted (currently about to put on the performance of Importance of Being Earnest starting this weekend, so feeling the 'thespian strain') and as I fell to the cross with all my baggage and burdens, I heard God speak over me:

'Come as you are'

So I came as I am. Not with all the answers, or the right attitude, or even the right thought process, but I came to Jesus. And in this blog post today, without any attempt of humour or a heavily worded essay, I speak out total honesty and truth.

'Come as you are'

The fact is, I've spent almost a year now living this 'gap year' and being taught things every day. I've had people come and go. I've had words of prophesy and life spoken over me, I've had wild and wonderful adventures, I've had tears, tantrums and laughter, I've made ridiculous decisions but also really wise ones. 

But if I could say one thing that I've learnt through experiencing a year out? You don't have the answers, God doesn't hand things to you on a plate. You seek and you serve, you seek and you serve, until God is ready to show you and equipped you. Hopefully in the process you find your heart becomes more resilient to criticism and society. You start to learn that words aren't contracts, that people aren't 'all together', that life moves on, whether you want it to or not, that adulthood comes with a price, and that Jesus is your safest, strongest and most loyal companion. 

So I come as I am. 

I come as I am to all the areas of my life, and all the people in my life that learn from me, teach me, and love me. I come as I am with my smile and my strange obsession with keeping a diary, floral items and my overthinking. But I come as I am with the peace that who I am is enough.

So my encouragement to anyone who reads this is to do that too. Come as you are. Rejoice in the fact that you haven't got it all figured out, but you're doing a pretty good job at being you. 

40acts Bible Verse.

Today for my 40acts lent challenge I have to share my favourite bible verse via social network.

I thought I'd share a little story that happened to me recently: 

So auditioning at drama schools has been a BIG part of my life these past 6 months. The usual thing- wake up at ridiculous o'clock, check 60000 times that I have everything I need, fall asleep on various trains/tubes/coaches until I reach my destination. Show up, pray, pray a little harder, do my monologues, shake a few hands, phone my mum, get back on various trains/tubes/coaches and bed.

Standard. However, it started to get a little trickier. My anxiety got such a hold over me, and I found myself waking up in a cold sweat, lashing about and shouting "I can't do this!"

So every second of my audition days became hell. I vividly remember standing on a tube at 5.30pm on a Friday and feeling myself about to blackout whilst squashed up against various tourists. My mind was screaming "what can I possibly do in this situation?" I prayed so hard that Jesus would somehow wash over every nerve and fear and hold me upright until I returned home.

It didn't happen. Or so I thought...

London Charing Cross station. A very frantic Alice, running to get the next train, and finding myself praying the words "God, help me to think more like you. Give me Godly thoughts" and as I bashed past brief cases and suitcases, I suddenly see a message, just right there infront of me-

You are enough just as you are.

I stopped in my tracks, and Jesus said so clearly; "this is what I think about you."

Here's the bible verse I chose today-

There’s no end to what has happened in you—it’s beyond speech, beyond knowledge. The evidence of Christ has been clearly verified in your lives. Just think—you don’t need a thing, you’ve got it all! All God’s gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale. And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that. (1 Corinthians 1:4-9 MSG)

I challenge you today to pray a prayer. Something so simple and yet so powerful. Ask Jesus to show you things, to think like Him, to BE like Him.

Dear 14 Year Old Me

Dear 14 Year Old Me,

If I've learnt anything from leaving school and being forced to grow up into an adult, it's this-

The mass amount of eyeliner isn't fooling anyone. Nor the backcombed hair to make it look thicker than it really is. You have thin hair, you will soon embrace that. 

People won't like you. That will continue throughout every age. Learn how to stop pleasing everyone and learn who loves you most. 

Jesus is a wonderful comfort and healer. Stop using boys to fill the gaps. Ask Jesus to make you feel wanted, and trust me- He's better than any indie, skinny jean-wearing, gelled hair loser. 

You are enough just as you are. Stop trying to be like the other girls. Uniqueness gets you far, trust me on that.

A fitted bra is an essential. 

Your flaws aka being too skinny doesn't define you or have any ownership over you. Stop letting the demons weigh you down and start letting Jesus lift you up high. You look fine. Your mum will tell you that even when you're 18, rejected from one too many drama schools, and travelling back on the 10pm train crying. She means it. 

To Do lists are a wonderful thing.

Your sister is gold. Use her always and enjoy her while you can (she goes on to be a doctor and is wonderful at it)

Your love for Taylor Swift doesn't die...yes you will find yourself singing into a hairbrush to her songs throughout teenage years. Embrace it. She is the queen after all (sorry to all Beyoncé fans)

Yes there is such thing as a mini cheese grater.

One day you'll leave the house bare faced, in an oversized hoodie, in a rush, with things flying out your bag and half a slice of toast hanging out your mouth. And you know what? That's the you that you'll enjoy being. No fitted dresses, orange face and insecurities. Try and find that girl now- she's content and loved.

Go easy on teachers. They are human beings and just trying to earn a living. Being cheeky and giggling will only cause them an early breakdown. Thank them. Enjoy them and above all LISTEN to them. They are wiser than you think.

"When will I ever need to know this in real life?!" Girl you'd be surprised. Really.

Anxiety doesn't have to control you.

Love your parents, even when your mum is marching you upstairs to remove your face paint aka makeup. They adore you and will provide great love and support at your lowest moments.

A smile is the most beautiful thing you can own.

You are more loved than you think.

The real world is hard. Enjoy being in the governments protection and not having to pay for the dentist.

Tax is a real thing and it's hideous.

Love everyone. Even the rubbish people. Love them with your whole being. Forgive them for absolutely anything. See them the way Jesus sees them and you'll find a freedom in your heart that no one can ever give you. 

Make patience your friend.

No you don't lose spots once your 18. The horror continues. 

Drink lots of water. It heals you more than you think.

The Jonas Brothers do eventually split up- but that's ok. You get through it after a lot of tissues, cuddles and the realisation that they're lamer than you think.

Celebrate your good health- others aren't so privileged.

Finally, go easy on yourself. Take deep breaths and enjoy who you are and what you're going on to be. Embrace rejection, humiliation and standing out. Disown insecurity and guilt and allow Jesus to take over. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Now get a wet wipe and put on some Taylor Swift...you've earned it.

From Older You

The Sketch Pad

I feel embarrassed. 

I'd say that's my biggest confession to date. I feel embarrassed in not just a 'oh I did something silly' kind of way. I feel embarrassed about the situations I've been in recently, my face, my appearance, my personality, my age, my blogs, my experiences...I feel embarrassed for being me.

So yesterday I sat with Libby, my church's worship leader, who has baptised me and has mentored me throughout these past two years. I sat with her and started to unpick everything I was feeling. I began to notice what was truly weighing down my heart, what was stopping me from feeling contentment in myself.

 I discovered that the real battle is me.

I took up to doing something challenging for lent. Two things: Open Doors' 'Live like a North Korean' challenge and 40 acts. One challenges me to pray, live and reflect on the persecuted Christians, the other challenges me to reach out to the people around me. Two things I felt a longing to do. 

Today's challenge (for 40 acts) is this-

Toolbox. Write down all the experiences, talents, skills, relationships, personality traits etc. you have to add to your toolbox. I thought 'oh hear we go' but as I started to write...I started to notice...

Confession: I've been reluctant to blog and to write recently. I start typing a post and quickly hold down the backspace button. I just can't find the right words to say, I can't help but feel useless and stupid and unworthy all rolled into one.

So last night at church, after spending a day praying, reflecting and healing, I thought I'd pray for something else- "Lord, help me with my writing. I'm feeling stuck and I need you to solve it" and sure enough the most cliche thing to ever take place- I dreamt last night about opening an email, a comment from a woman on a particular post, showing kindness and encouragement. 

The chains of 'humiliation' began to break. Jesus took away the pride that had be gripped.

So as I sat with Libby, she said just a few words to me "you are so precious" 

...and it was all I needed to hear. 

Now my 15 year old Godsister, Ellie posted a video. I didn't get chance to watch it, so God tried a second attempt, and I received an email from 40 acts with this video attached. It's the Dove commercial. What a perfect time to watch this video as I metaphorically crawl into a hole of self-hatred.  

http://youtu.be/XpaOjMXyJGk

I began to cry as I watched the women realise their beauty. I watched in wonder as they began to crawl out of the self-hatred hole and see what others see.

Then God said something to me: "you might feel embarrassed by who you are, but the people around you never will. I never will"

I hope that if others were to draw me or describe me, I'd see things I never would have known about myself. And as God draws me on His 'creation pad' He never focuses on the 'flaws' that I've stupidly created in my mind, but the way my eyes light up at the topics I'm so passionate about, or the way I do certain things right. 

So I write this blog with a bit of insecurity creeping through the gaps, but in the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139) but I also write this blog in the hope that all who feel humiliation in their appearance and their personality- you are MORE beautiful than you realise. You are more cherished than you think. 

"You are so precious."

Life's Ladder

At my baptism last year I received a card. This card said something I never forgot. It said 'following Jesus is NOT easy' and I knew it to be true. I did. I just didn't know when that sentence would cripple me. It's happened, 11 months later.

I was in a some what 'honeymoon stage' with Jesus back then. I was floating on clouds as I twirled around declaring 'Jesus is Lord'.

I have now fallen to my feet, to the cold hard ground (to quote my beloved Tay) because the truth is I have been obsessing with who I am and what my intentions are and what my future entails that I've let go of the meaning, of the punch line, of the harsh reality. 

Something caught our eye last weekend in Bath. It wasn't the ENDLESS amounts of beautiful shops, although they were pretty spectacular! No no, it was the Abbey. Not just the Abbey itself, but what was sculpted on the front- a ladder leading up to God, and angels climbing up to Him. 

It got me thinking...even a masterpiece created hundreds of years ago STILL symbolises our church. Everyone desperately getting closer to God. One step ahead, two steps ahead, seven steps ahead. You'll see where this is going...

It's clear to me that I am in constant battle with myself. The expression 'I'm my own worst enemy' has a whole new meaning.

Jesus works in my heart in a strange way. Classic J. He starts churning it (just like my doctor tells me my stomach is 'very active') my conscience starts to stir. I start to feel feelings I want to dissolve and then Jesus says 'well go on then, ask for my help' and I suddenly ask with a humble heart and a humble mind.

The parents and I just watched 'Now You See Me'. After the first half an hour it was utter crap. It started to become a story about how the film company and playwrights can out-smart themselves. The theme of this codswallop was how, no matter how much the FBI (aka the good guys) thought they were on top of things, the magicians were always one step ahead, two steps ahead, seven steps ahead. Throughout the film they just kept trying to be a little further, a little more in front. And as the movie became so farfetched the novelty wore off. 

But there's my life. Right there. Right in that brief (and terrible) synopsis. My life is being one step ahead of the person sat opposite me as I desperately try and think of the next question to ask in a small talk situation. My life is being one step ahead of the people I don't understand. My life is being one step ahead of God, and that's not ok.

On our fridge we have Queen Victoria's famous quote "it's not important what they think of me, but what I think of them." I take my metephorical hat off to her. We obsess with ourselves to an extent where we forget others are too busy dwelling over their own insecurities. 

I got cross about something that happened recently that completely humilated me. It really did HUMILIATE me. I felt angry and abused and unworthy. It wasn't until I overhead one of the people in on this 'humiliating act' start talking about their health problems. Suddenly in a lightening-bolt moment the phrase 'be kind, because everyone you meet is facing their own battle' stopped me in my tracks. Truthfully, I get so caught up in my need for righteousness that I quickly forget that. 

We are ALL desperately trying to be one step ahead when climbing the ladder to freedom. Christian or non Christian. That's where we are. Climbing, falling, climbing. And as we go along planting clues and exalting ourselves, we forget that we're all in the same position- clinging on desperately to the bar that holds our status and to where life has taken us. Look around you. We're all in battles we can't seem to escape from. Battles with ourselves, with our families, with our colleagues and with our God.

But we have to stop persecuting everyone that stumbles on the rungs and does something foolish. We can't keep blaming everyone for mistakes whilst the demons of ours are weeping on our shoulders. Let's stop desperately putting ourselves on a pedestal of greatness, but let's also stop switching to a dark dungeon of self-disgust.

Our battle continues....

So, put down the sword. Put down the shield. Use Jesus as your willpower to keep climbing the ladder to freedom. He's NOT easy to follow, not by a long shot, but he's THE most powerful weapon.

I Wanna See You Be Brave

My sister is obsessed with an artist called Sara Bareilles. She forever has her feisty lyrics echoing through our house when she's not at the other side of the country training to be a doctor. She constantly says to me "Alice, you'd love her!" As I reluctantly roll my eyes and continue watching season 3 of New Girl. 

But she one day showed me a video of hers. It was called Brave and it instantly caught my attention when I saw the artist in a FABULOUS spotty shirt, trouser braces and dip dyed hair. I thought 'oh here makes a change from some pop star's breasts hanging out'

So I continued to watch...

I've had to be VERY brave these past few weeks. That word makes me sound like a 7 year old that's about to get an injection at the doctors- "you were a very brave girl" but I still stand by the fact that that saying is always very vital growing up. 

Being 'brave' doesn't just end when you start changing shoe size and learning a few bad words. It doesn't just grow as you stop crying at a grazed knee (because if I ever get a grazed knee, I guarantee I WILL be weeping) no no that's not a reason to be brave. 

You're taught as a tiny girl/boy that being brave is when you don't cry at mondane things. I don't agree with that. Not now. Crying isn't a sign of weakness. Being brave starts when you don't give in to peer pressure, when you get rejected by the cool girls and you carry on sitting in the same class as them. Being brave is when you face an adult who has no social etiquette and terrifies your well being so you find the right strategies to get you through the day.

You don't really get taught that much. Our government's more concerned about teaching young people some stupid, unnecessary triangle equation. Round of applause to our education system.

So when I took the very 'brave' decision to spend a year working, auditioning and learning about the real world, I had no idea that bravery was a VERY vital weapon to have in my pocket. 

I have had some moments in these past 6 months where people have honestly made me feel like I was THE most inadequate being. I've had adults cause me to cry in church toilets, I've had people cause me feelings of anger that I've never quite felt in my tiny blood vessels. I've had such unjust situations take place that have caused my whole well-being to crumble. I've been in a work place where I felt so left out of a 'team' that I wanted to grab my coat and never look back. 

So as an 18 year old girl, who has committed my life to following Christ and for some unknown reason wants to go into THE bitchiest, most unsympathetic & most judgemental industry, how do I cope with that? 

I think in life there are two options- let it destroy you or let it motivate you. I pick the second option every time. 

I shared my testimony to a group of wonderful young girls last Saturday. I felt God stopped me from looking at my notes and instead used the Holy Spirit as my prompter. I began telling them about how heart-shattering growing up in a group of girls can be, I watched them nod away as I continued my tales. 

You know the one thing I felt God was physically forcing me to tell these girls? Can you guess? Courage. Standing out. Fearlessness. 

So I played them this music video, the one in which my sister has been nagging me about for ages, and a roomful of smiles and tapping feet took place. 

I don't need to tell you that life is a truly terrifying place to live in, but I wish more people told me. I'm so fed up with people having some power under their belt and using it to feed their pride or ego or deeper...their insecurities. I now understand the saying 'count your blessings'...that couldn't be more vital. School is just the very first part of the journey, the real challenge takes place once you step out your bedroom and take on responsibilities. 

I think I sit here with the haunting knowledge that life, unfortunately, doesn't get much easier than this. Bravery is something you earn, but a humble heart has to trail alongside it. 

So dear friends, I continue on my quest to find true courage, wherever that may be or whatever it may feel like. But I'll start by holding my head a little higher and continuing to find the right moment, and the right outfit, and the right mindset to maybe, just maybe, be a little braver. 

MUSIC VIDEO ALERT....

http://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4